


Broken

by cardboardbox



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, But hopefully someone likes it, Eren and Armin are in love they're just too oblivious to realize it, Eren's weird, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Gay, I apologize in advance, It's also got an original song, M/M, Mikasa is a mom, Mutual Pining, Physical Abuse, References to Depression, She also has good advice, She disses Eren and his video games, Slow Burn, Swearing, Verbal Abuse, Violence, but he's cool, i have no idea what this is, it's pretty bad, its pretty gay, there's a lot of video games
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-20
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2019-05-25 21:53:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 24,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14986385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cardboardbox/pseuds/cardboardbox
Summary: I always thought that love would be constantly happy.  That someone would write me love songs and stupid poems and everything they did would make my heart flutter.  I thought that there was always one person you could depend on no matter what to be there for you.  Someone who still cared for you despite all your flaws.  Someone who could see the best and the worst of you and still think you were the greatest person in the entire world.If that was love, then something in my life must've gone horribly wrong.





	1. Prologue

He didn’t mean it. I know he didn’t. It was my fault anyway. I shouldn’t have stayed out so late. I should’ve been more careful. I had been so close to my room — so close to safety — and my excitement and temporary rush of adrenaline made me forget about the pattern of creaky floorboards. One wrong step and it was over.

The first blow had been excruciating. Not only was there the obvious physical pain, but also a mental and emotional one as well. An ache of disobedience, a pang of guilt. I knew he didn’t want me staying out too late. He’d told me multiple times. He said it was dangerous. That anything could happen to me. So, when he caught me, it was words, ripping from his throat like metaphorical knives, followed by a beating.

But I get used to it. The first few are the worst, but then I go numb and the pain melts away, leaving me with only my mental instability. Tears, sobbing, the usual. He might call me a whore. He might say nothing at all. Depends on the scenario and how much I disobeyed.

When it was over, he stormed back to his room and slammed the door, leaving me alone and whimpering in the hallway. I managed to drag myself to the bathroom, rising shakily to my feet, and staring at my reflection. There would probably be a mark on my face the next day. I could already see the bruise forming. My gaze ran over my face; the swollen eyes, the tear-stained cheeks. Broken. Battered. Belittled. 

I held back a sob, wincing as I lifted up the hem of my shirt to see the large black and blue mark on my stomach. It hurt to breathe. Though whether that was from the repeated kicks to my torso or the absolute worthlessness I felt, I didn’t know.

It took almost an hour for Jean to come into my room. Longer than usual. That meant he was mad. Really mad. He closed the door behind him and sighed, looking over my bruised and bleeding form. “Armin,” he spoke, his voice raspy from the yelling. I could feel myself trembling. “Babe, I’m sorry.”

He walked towards me, climbing onto my bed and wrapping his arms around me. “I don’t know what came over me. I was just worried about you.”

I returned the embrace, feeling a little better about the whole thing. “I’m really sorry. I love you, you know that? I love you so much.”

“I-I love you too.” I whispered, sniffling gently. There it was. Another apology, another ‘I love you’, another broken promise.


	2. Rainbow Road

Sleep had been elusive and thoroughly drowned in misery. When it came, it only decided to stop by to say hello before heading off again. Another short visit in a year of hoping one day it might stay a little longer. 

The sun crept through the window like a family member that shows up at a Christmas party and no one seems to know how you’re related. Friendly. Unwanted. Annoying.

I lifted myself from under the covers, my body aching from the night before. I trudged to my closet, figuring the earlier I was up, the better. Maybe I’d have time to read after I was done making breakfast. I pulled on a t-shirt and a pair of jeans before walking downstairs, careful not to make much noise. Jean wouldn’t be up yet. He liked to sleep in.

I searched through the cupboards for something to eat, finding a box of cereal, a carton of milk, and a few nearly spoiled eggs. I’d have to go to the store later. I sighed, figuring that cereal and milk were the safest choice, pouring a bowl for Jean and myself. I brought them to the table, setting them down and going to get my book. I read a few pages, occasionally eating a spoonful of cereal. I had already finished a chapter by the time Jean came down the stairs, running a hand through his already disheveled hair. “Good morning,” I said as cheerfully as I could manage. He just groaned in response, walking over and sitting down. “You didn’t make coffee.” he grumbled.

Coffee. I knew I had forgotten something. I swallowed nervously, watching his face carefully, looking for the familiar twitch of anger, the blaze of fire in his eyes. But he hung his head, his eyes downcast. There was a tense, palpable silence before he picked up his spoon and brought some cereal to his mouth.

His hand left a harsh sting on my cheek and I bit my lip, keeping myself together. “My cereal’s soggy. Don’t you know how to do anything?”

I didn’t respond. Jean suddenly grabbed my face, yanking my chin up to face him. I almost grabbed instinctively at the hands around my throat, but stopped myself before I made things worse. “Look at me when I talk to you! Now answer me!”

I trembled as I opened my mouth, trying to form words around the lump in my throat. I wanted to say something witty. Something that might make him stop. But I knew that would only make him more upset. “N-No.” I croaked and he finally let me go. I gasped for air, coughing a bit. He sneered. “Stupid bitch.”

The insult was said under his breath, but I still heard. And it still stung. He grabbed his bowl and threw it in the sink. I stared at the dark wood of the table, trying to blink away my tears. “I’m going out today. Stay here.” he said gruffly, pulling on his shoes and heading for the door. I heard it open and slam shut and then he was gone. I let a sob escape me, grabbing a fistful of my hair and shaking my head gently. Why did I have to mess everything up? Why couldn’t I just do one thing right? I make coffee everyday, why did I have to forget? Why today? After last night?

I wiped my tears away and stood up with one last sob. Maybe I’d go see Eren today. Jean told me to stay home, but I needed him. I needed an escape. I grabbed my phone and sent Eren a text asking if I could come over. After receiving the usual reply, I hurried to the bathroom and grabbed my hidden tin of makeup. I dabbed at the purple around my eye and the pink on my cheek, covering them both. When I finally looked presentable, I put on my shoes and started for Eren’s house.

Eren and I had been best friends since we were young. We used to hang out all the time and tell each other everything. But then along came Jean. And then all that stopped.

Eren didn’t like him from the beginning. He called him horseface. Or, more formerly, the asshole. He didn’t know about the beatings. But he didn’t need to know. Jean loved me and if Eren knew, he wouldn’t understand. He’d only be concerned for me. Maybe even try his idea of helping. Which actually wouldn’t be much help. Jean just lost his temper sometimes. That’s all. And I only get in the way, so of course he’d be mad at me. It was my fault.

I knocked on the door and was met with a familiar face and a familiar smile. “Hey, Armin! Come on in, Mikasa’s watching that stupid soap opera again.”

“I told you, Eren, it’s quality material, you just don’t give it a chance!” Mikasa called from the living room. “Whatever!”

I giggled and Eren held the door open for me before closing it behind us. “Well if you don’t mind, we’ll just leave you to it, then.” Eren said over his shoulder as he led me to his bedroom. “Yeah, yeah, get outta here.”

He took my hand and brought me up the stairs and into his room before shutting the door. He turned and smiled at me and I felt the ache of my muscles fade a little. “So, back again so soon, Arlert?” he said, referring to the day before. 

“Oh, you bet, Jaeger.”

“Couldn’t get enough of me, huh?”

“Enough of you? Impossible.”

We laughed and Eren gave me a playful shove. “Hey, wanna play Mario Kart?”

“Sure, if you want me to whoop your ass.”

“I’ll do all the ass whooping, thank you very much.”

“Is that a challenge?”

“Maybe.”

“You’re on.” I grinned, reaching for a controller. Things were just so easy with Eren. I could actually be myself and sometimes I even found my mouth speaking for me. Our time spent together was like a narcotic — one I took whenever anything got me down. It brought me back. It kept me sane. Every time I fell, he’d be there to pick me right back up again and make me able to face another day. He was the reason I survived. What I lived for.

“Alright, no cheating this time. I know your tricks.”

“Do you?”

Eren gave me a playful glare and I giggled. “I know you inside and out — don’t underestimate me.”

I laughed, selecting my character. “Whatever, Eren.” I mumbled under my breath. With that, the game was on, both of us starting off on my favorite track, rainbow road. I would laugh at Eren’s face when I sent him off the edge and groan when he pelted me with shells. We had finished four rounds, both of us winning two. A serious competition had started now. It was the tiebreaker. And Eren was going down in flames.

The countdown and then it was back to the track for another few laps of epic dueling between us. I gave it my all, managing to get into first place. Eren tried to take me down, but I held strong. We got closer to the finish line, Eren’s kart behind me in a close second. I couldn’t let him win. Not now.

When I crossed the line first, there was an overlap of a screaming of ‘yes’ from me and ‘no’ from Eren. I threw my arms into the air, falling back on the mattress and swinging my legs in triumph. Eren hung his head, seemingly melting into himself. I sat back up. “You cheated.” he said, picking his head up to give me a glare and a pout. “No, I didn’t.”

“Yes, you did.”

“No, you just can’t deal with the fact that I’m better than you at everything.”

“Not at Sonic you’re not.”

He laughed and I smacked him with a pillow. “Hey, that game is hard! You can’t see anything when you go that fast!”

“Why do you think Sonic has to run so fast? Do you think he’s running to the hospital because his wife’s having a baby? Dude, I totally just figured out the entire game.”

“Eren, last time I checked, Sonic wasn’t married.”

“Oh.”

I giggled. “I bet he’s dating Tails.”

“Tails?”

“Yeah, have you seen the way they look at each other?”

“I don’t think they ever do, Eren.”

“Lot of erotic eye contact.”

We both laughed and I gave him a shove which surprisingly knocked him over onto his back. I fell onto his chest, giggling softly. We lapsed into a gentle silence and I lifted my head up, meeting his gaze, feeling something warm in my chest. I sat up, turning my head and pushing my bangs out of my eyes.

“Hey, Armin, you wanna stay over tonight?”

My heart suddenly sunk. _Jean_. He told me not to leave. What if he was home already? I patted my pockets, a knot tying in my throat when I came up empty handed. I grabbed Eren’s phone instead, checking the time to see it was already two o’clock. “Sorry, Eren, I’ve gotta go. Jean’s probably worried about me.”

He furrowed his brow. “Why would he be worried? It’s just me.”

I bit my lip. “He went out this morning. He probably doesn’t know I’m gone — I didn’t text him. He might freak out if he comes home and I’m not there.”

Eren nodded, something flashing in his eyes, but it was gone so fast, I wasn’t sure if I had actually seen it. “Alright. Well, if you ever wanna come over, you can.”

“Thanks. I appreciate it.”

There was a silence then. Not an awkward silence, more of a comfortable, peaceful silence. He stared at me and I stared at him, smiles beginning to creep onto our faces. “Alright. I’ll walk you out.”

I nodded and we walked down the stairs and into the living room. I said a quick goodbye to Mikasa, who was still glued to the television screen, and we went out onto the front porch. “No car?” Eren asked, only now noticing the lack of a vehicle in his driveway. “I walked. Jean took the car.”

“He doesn’t have his own?”

“He doesn’t drive.”

Eren seemed confused and I just shrugged. He let out a breath, his face becoming serious. “Armin, are you okay?”

I felt my pulse quicken and I swallowed. Did he know? Was my makeup fading? I pulled a fake smile. “Yeah, why?”

Eren shifted, shoving his hands deep in his pockets. “I dunno. You just seem . . . different. Like something’s on your mind.”

I shook my head. “Don’t worry, Eren. I’m fine.”

He gave me a hard stare and I twisted my fingers together, hoping he would drop it. Thankfully he did, shrugging lighty. “If you say so.”

He suddenly wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into him with a firm but gentle grip. I returned the hug, breathing in his scent. It was like cinnamon and vanilla and there was something so uniquely _Eren_ that reminded me of home. Like this was where I was meant to be. But it wasn’t. I was supposed to be at the house, like Jean had told me. I shouldn’t have left. But it was Eren. And I needed another dose.

He pulled away and gave me a smile. “I’ll see you later?”

“Definitely.”

He took a step back and I began walking down the driveway, towards the road. Towards my house. Towards Jean. I turned around and Eren gave a small wave which I returned before he disappeared into the house, probably to annoy Mikasa. I stared after him, frozen on the sidewalk before I realized I had somewhere to be. I decided to run, despite the whining of my injuries, because whatever happened, I didn’t want more. As I ran down the street, I hoped and prayed to any deity I could think of that my car was not in the driveway.

Someone must’ve heard me because when I finally turned the corner onto my street, I didn’t see it or Jean anywhere. I let out a sigh of relief, bending over and leaning on my knees, trying to catch my breath. He wasn’t here. I was safe. I unlocked the front door and went inside, shutting it behind me. I checked the time. Only two thirty. Good.

My stomach grumbled and I went to the kitchen in search of food. Jean would probably get something to eat with his friends or whoever he was with. If he wasn’t alone. I sighed, realizing I had forgotten to go to the store. I guess we’d have to get take out for dinner. I grabbed some leftover pasta and put it in the microwave. When it was warm enough, I took it out and started eating. I could’ve just snuck out to the store, but I had already risked enough by going over to Eren’s house and I didn’t need to test my luck any further.


	3. Alcohol and Nightmares

It was well after midnight and the moon was rising ever higher in the black velvet sky. The minutes ticked by like seconds, each one lasting an eternity and no time at all. My eyelids whined, urging me to close them, even for just a moment, to maybe soothe the burning tiredness of my eyes. But the anxiety swirling in my stomach wouldn’t let me. Jean had been gone all day and hadn't told me where he was going or when he'd be back. He'd done this before — staying out with friends, coming home so drunk he couldn't stay awake or so high he couldn't fall asleep. And he was even more unpredictable than usual. 

When Jean was drunk, he was erratic at best. The smallest things could set him off. One spark of frustration, one piece of proof that I might've disobeyed him and he lost it. And there was no holding back. Alcohol dissolved the wall between morality and insanity and I'd been on the receiving end more times than I'd like to remember.

Finally, just past two o'clock, Jean came stumbling through the door, his clothes somewhat disheveled, his eyes glazed over. I didn't say anything. I didn't dare. He swayed as he closed the door behind him, throwing the keys on the counter. He looked at me. “Armin,” he slurred, staggering towards me. “Where were you?”

My heart sunk. I could almost feel the color draining from my face. I fought to keep my voice steady. “What do you mean?”

I had done it. I'd gone too far, asked too many questions. He grabbed the front of my shirt, slamming me against the nearest wall. “Where the hell were you?!”

“I-I . . . I . . .”

“I texted you, why didn't you answer?!”

I knew better than to apologize. That wasn't what he wanted. If I told him where I was, he would kill me. Whether figuratively or literally I honestly didn't know. And Eren was a secret — Jean knew we were friends, but he didn't know about my frequent visits there. Maybe one honest answer wouldn't hurt.

But what would happen to Eren? Would Jean go after him once he was done with me? I couldn’t let him get hurt because of something I did. So I said the first thing that came to my mind. “I . . . I went to a f-friend’s . . .”

His face contorted in anger and I knew it was going to be bad. He threw me to the side and I slammed painfully into the coffee table. I winced, my already beaten body seeming unable to take any more. “I TOLD YOU NOT TO LEAVE THE HOUSE!”

I flinched at the harshness in his voice, scrambling to my feet to stand before him, tears beginning to roll down my cheeks. He shoved me. “WHO DID YOU SEE?! WAS IT JAEGER?! YOU SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM HIM! YOU HEAR ME, YOU FUCKING WHORE?!”

With a kick to the stomach, the remaining air in my lungs was knocked out of me and I couldn't respond. But Jean didn't seem to care. Blow after blow, he attacked my torso with his feet, the pain getting worse with each one. The beating from the night before was a sharp echo, the old bruises struck to create the new. “ANSWER ME!”

I wasn’t sure which question he wanted the answer to, but I found my mouth moving despite my inner protest. “Y-Yes . . .” I whimpered, ashamed at how pathetically broken my voice sounded. A few punches to the face, a few kicks to the head — nothing much. Just the usual drunk outbursts, bruises, and blood that came along with the alcohol. I found that even in the dim glow of the light from the kitchen, I couldn't see. I was shrouded in darkness and everything around me was slowly beginning to disappear. The jolts of pain turned to dull aches, my lungs going numb from lack of air and painfully constricting sobs. 

When Jean had finally finished with me, I just lay there, afraid I would fall apart if I moved. I stared at the backs of my eyelids, all my tears already spent. I couldn't cry. Even though I wanted to more than anything else. The tears wouldn't come. The world was mocking me — refusing me the only relief I could get. Well other than Eren. But I couldn't let him see me. Not like this. 

I laid there, motionless, on the living room floor for what felt like hours, weeks, years. But then I found the little strength I had left, rising to my feet. My body suddenly felt like it was on fire. Everything burning under the skin. The constant, searing pain that would last a few days, from a physical standpoint. But mentally, it would last much longer.

I knew I wasn't getting an apology. No ‘I love you’, no kiss pressed to my forehead. He probably wouldn't even remember in the morning. The hangover might make him more agitated than usual. And boy was I looking forward to that.

I limped down the hallway, wincing with every excruciating step. How could I have been so stupid? I knew Jean didn't want me out and I knew he thought Eren was a bad influence. Though that was probably just because of their seemingly unfounded hatred for each other. I was stupid enough to forget about everything — I was so desperate for relief, an escape from the confines of my world, that I completely ignored what could've been waiting for me when I returned.

I opened my bedroom door, figuring I would try to get a few hours of sleep. Though whether or not that happened was unpredictable. Sometimes the pain was bad enough to keep me awake and others it was so bad, I had to go to sleep. To take a break, to let my body recalibrate. I didn't bother fixing myself up and just sank into the mattress, hissing as my body settled into it. I had been incredibly disobedient over the past week. Jean might even suspect something was going on. But then again, he always seems to think I'm seeing other people behind his back. I sighed, rolling over slowly, trying to avoid putting pressure on any of my injuries. My eyes slipped closed and for once the universe gave me the wonderful gift of sleep.

\--

I was running. It was dark and I was running blind. I must’ve had some destination in my head because somehow I knew where I was going without thinking about it. Like it was calling to me. A sudden light appeared and I started towards it, my feet falling heavily as I increased my speed. ‘Eren!’ I called, though it didn’t really look like him at all. But it was him. I could tell.

I sprinted harder, tears beginning to well in my eyes and I dared a smile, choking back something between a laugh and a sob. _I’m going to make it_ . . .  
I kept thinking. But then something wrapped around my ankle and I came crashing down along with my hopes and dreams, my happiness being replaced by fear. I screamed and cried out for Eren, squirming and throwing my arms out desperately to try and escape. Hands wrapped around my legs and shoulders, pulling me back and further into the darkness. ‘EREN!' I yelled, ripping my throat raw, sobbing pathetically as I was dragged into pitch blackness.

\--

I gasped, my eyes flying open to welcome the familiar darkness of my bedroom. Well, _**our**_ bedroom. But Jean seemed more keen on sleeping in the guest room than wherever I was. I sat up, throwing the covers off of me and running a hand through my disheveled hair. I leaned over to check my phone only to feel my body ache horribly. Oh yeah. I forgot about that.

I squinted in the sudden light of the screen, but saw it was around four in the morning. I let out a sigh, my chest tight as I breathed. I rose slowly out of bed and made my way to my window, pushing it open as quietly as I could. My heart still pounded from the nightmare I had had, but I was far used to it by now. Nightmares were a regular occurence that rudely interrupted my sleep cycle. So I usually took to the outside world, where I could look beyond the confines of the bland bedroom walls and find something to clear my mind. No matter what time it was, what season, what day, there was always something going on. People going places. Sometimes I just watched them. Sometimes I wondered what their story was — what had happened in their life or why they were going wherever they were going. Sometimes I thought about my own. But I didn’t usually do that. It didn’t do much to clear my mind.

I settled into my usual spot on the roof, the rough shingles scraping gently at the bare soles of my feet. But I didn’t mind as I stared at the horizon, seeing the skyline flickering in the dark and the broken street lamp two blocks north that failed to produce enough light to keep it’s part of the street lit. There were a few cars out on the busier roads, but none were passing through the neighborhood. Not at this time of night. The lights were off, families asleep, everyone seeming to hunker down and recharge before starting a brand new day. I wondered what it must be like to have a family — to be surrounded by people you love and be able to go to the library whenever you wanted. I wondered what life would be like if you didn’t have to live under the rules set by a man you loved who didn’t seem to love you back. 

I hugged my knees, wincing at the growing pain in my abdomen and the headache that was beginning to form. That wasn’t true. Jean loved me. He just got overprotective sometimes. Worried. But he did care about me. And all I did was disobey him. It was my fault, not his.

I suddenly thought of Eren and the way he laughed, the way his eyes seemed to glow when the light caught them just right, the way his smile could make the world disappear. I knew Jean didn’t want me being friends with him. I didn’t really understand why, except for the obvious tension between the two. Hatred is a powerful thing. It makes people do things they regret. I learned that the hard way.

But, despite Jean’s theories that he often entertained himself with, Eren wasn’t a bad influence on me. In fact, he was anything but. I didn’t know where I would be if Eren wasn’t in my life. Or how far I would have fallen if Eren hadn’t been there to pick me up again. He was my savior. My lifeline. But Jean couldn’t see that. Or he didn’t care. I didn’t want to think about which was more likely.

I sighed, letting the breeze carry my breath away. I traced the constellations and took one last, lingering look at the skyline before slipping back through the window and into bed.


	4. Don't Go Swimming in December

When the sun bombarded me with its rays, I awoke begrudgingly, my head feeling like it was being repeatedly slammed against a wall. I wondered vaguely how bad Jean’s hangover was and found myself smiling softly before forcing myself to stop. I shouldn't think that's funny. He probably had a horrible headache. I sat up with a groan and it felt like my brain had swollen inside my skull. I found myself thinking there was no way Jean’s headache was as bad as mine. 

But lucky me had to actually get up and start making breakfast while Jean could sleep in as long as he wanted. I dragged myself downstairs and took a quick detour to the bathroom to search for some aspirin. Of course, as was my luck, we didn't have any. Nor did we have anything edible besides cereal and milk again and oh how I had messed that up last time. I decided to make myself a bowl and make Jean’s later when he woke up and I didn't forget to press start on the coffee machine.

I continued to read from where I left off while I ate, keeping an ear out for any movement upstairs that could indicate Jean was awake. It was nearly eleven when that happened. The coffee wasn't its hottest, but I reheated it in the microwave, fearing what would happen if it was too cold rather than reheated. I poured him a bowl of cereal and by the time he was downstairs, I had his breakfast waiting for him. He gave me a gruff groan as an acknowledgement of my presence and I didn't say anything, just giving a slight nod in return, trying to ignore my splitting headache. He stayed silent as he ate his cereal and I took that as a victory. I let myself relax a little.

Jean put his bowl in the sink with much less force than the last time before looking at me. “Do we have any aspirin?” he asked roughly and I shook my head. “Get some. Go out today. Hang out with friends or something.”

I wanted to say I didn't have any friends because they had all left me since I never saw them anymore. Well, everyone except Eren. But that didn’t go particularly well the last time. So I just nodded, not even bothering to ask where he was going. That would only ruin his surprisingly indifferent mood. And it was rare that I got a chance to get out of the house, so I wasn’t going to risk losing that.

He stared at me before throwing his arms up, raising his voice slightly. “Well, get the hell out of here.”

I jumped to my feet, pulling on my shoes and not forgetting to grab my phone. My heart beat excitedly and I forced myself not to break out into a smile as I approached the door. Jean handed me the keys to my car with a somber look. “Stay out until six or so, not any later. I’ll text you. Bring back dinner.”

Jean slammed the door behind me and I sighed happily as I made my way to the car parked in the driveway. I figured I’d do my chores first before dropping by Eren’s. Maybe I’d ask a few of my other friends to hang out with us too. I pulled out into the street and started for the nearest convenience store. After a quick five minute drive, I parked and went inside. I grabbed some aspirin and a bottle of water before returning to my car. I downed two of the pills and let out a sigh, reaching for my phone. I sent Eren a text asking if he wanted to hang out and, as per usual, he said of course. After telling him I’d be over in a few minutes, I headed down the road towards my best friend. The route was familiar and even lost in thought, I made it there without any problems.

I knocked on the door and Mikasa answered, giving me a smile. “Hey, Armin.”

“Hey,”

“Eren, your boyfriend’s here!” she called over her shoulder and I blushed. There was a “He’s not my boyfriend!” from somewhere upstairs and Mikasa giggled. “I wish I could hang out with you guys, but Eren wouldn’t like that and I have to run a few errands.”

I waved my hands as if dismissing the very notion. “Oh come on, Mikasa, Eren wouldn’t be mad. You’re cool to hang out with.”

She gave me a skeptical look as she brushed past me to the garage. “Yeah, try telling Eren that.”

I smiled. I was suddenly alerted by the sound of quick footsteps on the staircase and turned to see Eren nearly sprinting down the stairs. “Woah, slow down, you’ll hurt yourself.” I laughed, but he ignored my — incredibly useful — advice. “Shut up,” he breathed and looked at me with a smile. “Let’s go.”

“Go? Where?”

“You’ll see.”

I rolled my eyes fondly as Eren locked the door behind him. He was carrying a large duffel bag on his hip and I was instantly curious as to what he had in mind. Eren nodded up the street and I followed after him, falling into step beside him. We talked gently about random things, like the so-called errands Mikasa was running. Eren told me about his incredibly grand and complicated theory about Mikasa and her alleged friend with benefits, a serious blond woman who lived down the street. The reasoning behind his thought process was that ‘he knew they were secretly fucking’ and ‘Mikasa never runs errands’ so he put two and two together. I told him that didn’t mean anything and he didn’t know Mikasa’s personal life, but apparently — according to him — he knows everything. I just laughed.

“Here we are,” Eren declared almost proudly as we arrived at our apparent destination. “The lake?” I asked. “Yeah. I figured it’s almost September, so we gotta make the most of the weather.”

He pulled off his shirt and threw it on the shore, beginning to unbutton his pants. I blushed faintly, wondering why I felt so uneasy. “Eren, what are you doing?”

“I’m going swimming. Come on, Min, we won’t be able to do this in a few months. I’ll never manage to drag your ass down here.”

“That’s because you don’t go swimming in December, Eren. We’ve had this conversation.” I replied, giggling a little, remembering the time Eren insisted we go swimming on Christmas. I went with him, but he ended up going in by himself and nearly froze to death. “We never speak of that again. Come on, it’ll be fun.”

There was something about the look on his face, something about the shimmering in his eyes that had me stripping down to my boxers. Eren shot me a grin, clearly pleased with my giving in. He took off full-speed at the lake and launched himself into it, doing a cannonball. I held my hand out as a sorry excuse for a barrier between my face and the giant splash he created. I tucked my hair behind my ear as he resurfaced, wiping a hand over his face and smiling at me. “Come on in, the water’s great.” he said and I giggled. I jumped in much less enthusiastically, loving the way the water chilled my skin. I came up to breathe and swept my hair out of my face, giving Eren a grin. “Race you to the other side,” he said with a nod of his head. I looked across the lake. It was quite the distance. “Alright, Jaeger, you’re on.”

We settled by the water’s edge and locked eyes. “On the count of three,” Eren said and I gave a quick nod. “One . . . two . . . three!”

We took off across the lake and I almost immediately felt my body ache. I had forgotten about what happened the night before. I suddenly realized I probably had a huge bruise on my abdomen. I hoped Eren hadn’t noticed.

Due to my disability, I didn’t make it across the lake as fast as I probably would’ve if I was in prime condition. When I finally reached the end, panting, my body felt like it was on fire. Of course, Eren had won. He gave me a smirk. “I beat you.” he said and I smiled. “Yeah,” I breathed. “You beat me.”

I met his gaze. His emerald eyes seemed to almost glow. The light was at that perfect angle again and it made me unable to turn away. Eren looked incredible at that moment. The tan of his skin, the way his hair hung above his eyes when it was wet, that lopsided smirk I loved.

Eren splashed me, pulling me from my thoughts. I immediately splashed him back, a wall of water hitting him square in the face and I laughed. But internally, I was a bit disconcerted. I had never thought of Eren as particularly good looking before. Though I would admit, he **_was_** rather attractive, I had never truly seen him in that light. He was my best friend, that was it. He just had really pretty eyes.

And besides, I had Jean. He was all I needed. Well, romantically at least. Eren was all I needed, technically. I shook my head, trying to banish those thoughts from my mind, instead focusing on fighting back against Eren’s splash version of World War Three. I giggled as we pelted each other with water and I wasn’t sure I had ever felt more alive in my life. That was just one of things about Eren. It was one of the reasons he was where I went when things with Jean got really bad. He reminded me of better times. Times when it was just he and I and we could do anything. We were young, we were fueled on dreams, we spent every day like it was our last. But then I met Jean and everything changed.

Eren stopped harassing me and swam over to the edge to get out. I followed after him. He pulled a towel out of his bag and tossed it at me. “Thanks,” I muttered, rubbing it over my wet hair. I vaguely wondered why Jean had been so liberal with me. He never wanted me going out, especially for the whole day. And he didn’t like me seeing friends either. So why did he let me leave? _**Encourage**_ it even? “Armin,” Eren spoke and I glanced at him from under the towel. He gestured to my stomach. “What’s that from?”

My heart sank. He noticed. Fantastic.

I had to think quick or it might seem suspicious. “I don’t actually know. I must’ve bumped into something.”

It was a terrible lie. I knew that. And Eren was smart, there was no way he would fall for that. He knew me, too. And one of the things that comes along with having the same friend since childhood is they can immediately tell when you’re lying.

Eren looked skeptical. “ _Armin_ ,”

I didn’t like lying to him. I really didn’t. But what was I supposed to say? ‘Oh don’t worry, Eren, Jean just beat me up because I hung out with you?’

No.

I looked up into emerald eyes and guilt won over me. I’d tell him the truth. Just not all of it. “Jean got a bit drunk last night,” I muttered almost silently. “And he beat you up?” Eren exclaimed incredulously. “No . . . yes . . . i-it was just a punch or two, that’s all.”

“Armin, that’s not okay.” he said and I focused on putting my clothes back on. “He was drunk. I mean _**really**_ drunk. He probably thought I was someone else or something — he’d never do something like that to me.”

Images from the night before ran through my mind. If only he knew. Eren gave me a stern look which I returned until he let out a sigh. “Alright, but don’t let it happen again. If it ever does, call me and I’ll come over and kick his ass.”

I allowed myself to giggle. “It won’t but . . . thanks.”

I had a feeling that Eren suspected it was more than just a one time thing. Or at least that this particular time was more than a few punches. The size of the bruise could tell you that. But he didn’t say anything and neither did I as we packed the bag and left for his place.


	5. Tis the Season

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somehow half of this chapter got deleted, but I fixed it

August bled into September and September into October. Each month came and went just as monotonously as the last. Soon, the gentle flurries of December were upon us like a thick sheet. Jean had alternated between telling me to stay in the house and letting me spend entire days out — most of which I spent with Eren. I also hung out with a few of my other friends, but most of my time was spent with him and Mikasa.

It was December fifteenth and the magic of Christmas was already in the air. It was another free day that Jean had decided to bestow on me, so naturally I texted Eren. He asked if I wanted to go to a nearby frozen yogurt shop and I hurriedly agreed, checking to make sure any bruises were covered. I had tried to be especially obedient since the swimming incident. I didn’t need Eren getting worried about me. And Jean had been in surprisingly good humor. There weren’t many beatings and if so, they weren’t too bad. I wondered what had gotten into him. It was like he wasn’t paying so much extra attention to me.

I pulled open the door to the frozen yogurt place and Eren waved at me from a nearby table. I smiled and walked over to him. We went and grabbed our cups and got in line to gather our frozen treats. That was Eren for you. Saving everything cold to eat or do for the coldest month of the year. Swimming and now frozen yogurt. “What flavor are you gonna get?” he asked and I glanced at my possibilities. “Uh, I think just vanilla.”

Eren gave me a disapproving look. “What?” I laughed. “Vanilla? Really? You’re lame.” he replied, getting himself a swirl of chocolate. I rolled my eyes. “Whatever.”

We put our toppings on and placed them on the scale. “That’ll be nine twenty, please.” the lady said with a bright smile. I went to pull some cash from my back pocket, but Eren stopped me. “I got it. Don’t worry.”

I was vehement. “Eren —”

“Armin, seriously, it’s fine. Let me treat you.” he smiled. I let out a defeated sigh and tucked the dollars back into my pocket, trying to hide my blush. I didn’t want Eren paying for me. It made me feel . . . weird. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d gone somewhere with Jean and he paid for us. That was something lovers did, not best friends. Best friends agree upon beforehand that they either pay separately or one covers the other. And they certainly didn’t make as much of a fuss about it as I was.

I figured it honestly didn’t really matter who paid and took my cup from Eren, muttering a quiet ‘thanks’. We sat down at a table in the corner and the amount of privacy it gave us was somewhat unexpected. Eren spooned some yogurt into his mouth before looking up at me. “So,” he pointed his vibrantly colored plastic spoon at me. “Arlert.”

“Jaeger,” I said, giggling at his frown. “How’ve you been?”

“I’ve been.”

Eren threw up his arms and I laughed. “You gotta give me something to work with, man.”

“Okay, okay. I’ve been fine.”

“The asshole hurt you at all?”

I lied and said he hadn’t. Eren gave a nod. “Good. I won’t let him lay a finger on you. That bastard.” he said the last part beneath his breath, but I still heard. I felt something in my chest swell and found myself smiling at the table. Yes, Eren’s being concerned about my well-being was unnecessary — Jean was only beating me because I never listened to him. But it was sweet that he still cared. It made my stomach twist; and not uncomfortably. I had been feeling that way recently. Eren’s kindness seemed to stand out more than usual, ever since that day at the lake when I noticed just how beautiful he actually was. I found myself staring at him again and that idea only solidified in my mind. He really was a gorgeous human being. Inside and out. I shook my head softly and took a bite of my frozen yogurt. 

“So, hey,” he spoke after we had both finished. “Connie’s throwing this Christmas party and he was wondering if you wanted to come.”

“Really?” I asked, brightening a little. I hadn’t seen Connie in forever. “Yeah, everybody’s going. Sasha, Bert, Reiner, Ymir and Krista — you know those two are an item now, right?”

I blinked. “Wait, seriously?”

“Yeah,” Eren laughed. I shook my head. “Took ‘em long enough.”

“I know. So anyways, you game?”

I bit my lip. “Should I invite Jean?”

Eren’s face fell, though not dramatically. But I knew him well enough to know he didn’t want me to. “I mean, I guess. He’s your boyfriend.” he said and I tried to ignore the bitterness in his voice. “If you want to bring him, you can. But I’ll be watching him and making sure he doesn’t do anything crazy.”

If I was brutally honest with myself, I didn’t really want Jean to come, but I wasn’t good with honesty when it came to him. I’d have to ask him anyway to see if he would let me go. I gave him a lopsided grin. “Alright.”

We threw away our cups and walked outside into the cold. We started towards our cars and I shivered subconsciously. “You cold?” Eren asked. “You not?” I said in return, unable to comprehend how Eren was wearing so little layers and wasn’t affected by the biting cold. He chuckled and breathed, “Come here,”

Though I was hesitant, I stepped closer as Eren took my hands in his. I bit my lip, feeling that strange flutter in my stomach again. I tried to force it down while Eren brought my fingers to his mouth, puffing warm air onto them. “You’re hands are freezing,”

I tried not to make eye contact, but it was a little difficult when he was staring at me. I blushed under his gaze and turned away.

He let out something like a chuckle and pulled me closer, wrapping his arms around me. I couldn’t help sinking into his warmth, burying my face in his chest. “Oh my god, you’re like a furnace.” I breathed, feeling soft waves of heat wash over my frozen bones. It wasn’t much, but it would definitely do. We stood there for a few moments and I savored every second of it, realizing how much I missed Eren’s scent, Eren’s touch. My drug just reminded me of how addicted I actually was.

Eren pulled away and I felt extremely cold without his arms around me. I wanted him to keep holding me, but I settled on a shy smile. “Thanks, that helped.”

“Did it?”

“Yes, it did.”

“Good,”

“Good,”

We laughed and it was like nothing had happened. Like the strange sensation in my chest wasn’t there. We just continued walking through the snow until we reached our cars. Eren gave me another quick hug that I wanted to last longer than it did. “So, I guess I’ll see you at the Christmas party?” he said almost uncertainly. “I guess so.”

He smiled and waved goodbye and with that, headed off to his own vehicle as I went to mine. The entire drive home, I tried not to think about asking Jean about party. I wasn’t sure how he would react; whether it be with a verification that I could go as long as he came with me or a lecture on why I should stay inside all day and maybe a beating. Either way, it wasn’t going to be wholy to my satisfaction. I considered just sneaking out, but I knew that wasn’t an option. If I talked to Jean about it, the worst that could happen would be for him to say no. But if he found out I had stayed out late at a party with my friends, especially Eren, without asking him first, I couldn’t even imagine how angry he’d get. So whether I wanted to or not, I was going to have to ask permission to go. I, at nearly twenty-two years old, was asking my boyfriend if it was alright to go to a party.

I felt suddenly stupid. Why did I need Jean’s permission to do anything? I was an adult and I could live my life however I wanted. Why did it matter what Jean thought about it? I sighed heavily. I supposed that’s what people did in relationships. They disagree, they make compromises, and everything ends up okay. I guess Jean and I just disagree more often than not. And it doesn’t always end up okay.

When I pulled into the driveway, I felt my heart twist anxiously. Checking the clock, I saw it was almost six thirty. I hadn’t picked up dinner, but we had some pasta at home, so I’d just make that. Hopefully Jean wouldn’t be upset. I locked the car and made my way to the front door, fumbling with the keys. When I finally found the right one, I put it into the lock and opened the door, closing it behind me. “Jean,” I called through the house. “I’m home.”

Not that he cared, but it was better to announce my presence. I took a box of spaghetti and a jar of sauce from the cabinet, placing it on the counter. I heard footsteps from the stairs and turned to see Jean appear in the threshold. He was clad in a green t-shirt I had never recalled him wearing. “I’m making pasta, is that alright?” I asked as sweetly as I could muster. I needed him to be in the best mood possible if I had any chance of him letting me go to the Christmas party. He just nodded and flopped down on the couch, switching on the TV. I filled the pot with water and turned on the stove, waiting for it to boil. I made sure the sauce was heating before I turned to face Jean. He was staring at the television. I sighed and made my way over to him. It was now or never.

He glanced at me when I sat down in the chair beside him and I cleared my throat. “There’s, uh . . . something I wanted to ask you . . .” I began and he didn’t look away from the screen. “Connie and Sasha are throwing a Christmas party and . . . they were wondering if I could come.”

He looked at me then. “Party?” 

I nodded, averting my gaze. I hadn’t realized how much I wanted him to say yes until now. “Will Jaeger be there?” 

“Probably. I think they invited him.” I said cautiously. Eren was the wild card. The factor that could possibly determine Jean’s entire decision. Hazel eyes fixed on mine and despite my nervousness, I kept the contact. He shifted and let out a breath. “Fine,”

I had to force myself not to grin like an idiot. “But only if I go with you.”

Despite the slight sinking of my stomach, I gave a curt nod. “Of course.” I said with a small smile. He brought his gaze back to the television and I heard the water boil in the kitchen. 


	6. Mistakes

When Christmas Eve arrived with a flurry of snow, I couldn’t contain my excitement. I hadn’t gotten to seen all of my friends for months. There was so much to catch up on and I was more than ready to have a normal night for once. It’d been far too long since I had stayed out late and had a chance to just enjoy myself. I hadn’t been able to forget about everything and live for the moment, not having to worry about what would happen when I got home.

I spent the entire day tidying up my room a little and attending to Jean’s every need. He seemed to think Christmas Eve was a great time to make your boyfriend clean the entire house. But that didn’t bother me. In a few hours, I was going to be able to ditch Jean in a crowd of friends and be able to spend the night with Eren. And the rest of the gang of course.

The closer it got to nightfall, the more my excitement grew. When I had finished doing the chores, and Jean had finished yet another season of Game of Thrones, I decided to take a quick shower. I turned on the water and stripped out of my clothes while it heated up. I stepped in, sighing softly as the heat of the water warmed my chilled bones. I shivered gently as I began to wash my hair, letting my thoughts wander. I hoped everyone liked what I got them. Eren had sent me a more formal and certain list via text of who was going to the party and I had informed him that I would be attending but Jean would be as well. As expected, he wasn’t entirely pleased about that.

I had been particularly short of ideas on what to get Eren for Christmas. I had gotten Sasha various pairs of Christmas socks, along with some cookies I had managed to find time to bake. For Mikasa, I bought a sweater she obviously wanted but would never admit to. Connie was getting a few things including a soccer ball so he could fulfil — or at least try to — his dreams of becoming a professional. But when it came to Eren, I had no idea what to get him. He wasn’t the type of person who ever wanted anything. He was just happy with what he had and liked whatever anyone got him. But for some reason, I wanted to get him something special this year. Maybe to show him how much he truly meant to me.

I hadn’t come up with anything remotely original or suitable for someone as amazing as he was until the day before. It was pretty expensive and I wasn’t sure Jean knew I even bought it, but I didn’t really care. It was my money anyway. It wasn’t like I had taken any from his account. I was kind of nervous though because Eren had mentioned it in passing a few times when we were younger and I had no idea if he still wanted one. But I hoped he liked it.

I finished washing myself and climbed out of the shower, drying off and getting dressed. Eren hadn’t told me what the necessary attire was, so I decided to wear a pair of skinny jeans and the ugliest Christmas sweater I owned, which was one Eren made me himself a few years back. Mikasa had attempted to teach him how to crochet and it took awhile, but he managed to make a whole sweater. But he had somehow misjudged my size — probably because he didn’t ask me since he wanted it to be a surprise — so it was a few sizes too big. But a couple washes and a few years of slight growth caused it to shrink to only one size too big.

I walked into my room to grab some socks and checked my phone to see I had gotten a text from Eren. He told me the party was going to start in a few minutes and to ‘get my ass to Connie’s house’. I smiled and sent him a quick reply telling him we were on our way. I pulled on my shoes and went to get Jean who was still sitting watching the television. Sometimes I thought he loved that show more than me. “Jean,” I said and he turned to look at me. “We should probably go.”

He grabbed his shoes and a jacket and we were on our way. I drove and as we approached Connie’s, gifts piled haphazardly in the backseat, I couldn’t help feeling like Jean’s parent. I did pretty much everything for him — he was like a child. A child that beat you and called you names if you didn’t do as he said.

We pulled into the driveway and carried the presents in our arms. I was barely able to knock on the door, but thankfully someone heard us. I peeked around the gifts and smiled. “Hey Eren,” I greeted. “Oh my god, Armin, you’re insane, let me help you.”

I tried to stop Eren from doing so, but he had already grabbed half the stack and I was suddenly able to see again. He let me in with a smile and I was quick to place the gifts by the tree. I saw Eren glare at Jean before I was engulfed in a hug. “Armin, you dweeb, I haven’t seen you in years!” a familiar voice said. I chuckled, hugging the girl back. “Good to see you too, Sasha.”

I greeted Mikasa and Connie, Ymir and Krista, all the people I was so close with but hadn’t seen in what seemed like a lifetime. I realized that was pretty much Jean’s fault, but didn’t think more on it. “When Eren told us you were coming, we went mental,” Sasha said, gesturing to a large stack of presents wrapped in blue wrapping paper in the corner. “Wow, thanks. You guys didn’t need to get me that much.” I said sheepishly. I never really liked getting a lot of presents. Mikasa came up to us and slung her arm around me, ruffling my hair. “Shut up, yes we did. We love you, Min.”

I giggled, my chest feeling light again. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had felt so happy, so loved, so at ease with everything. Mikasa let go of me and gave me a smile before offering me a drink which I politely declined.

As the hours passed by, I talked with my friends, all of whom asked why we hadn’t met up in so long. I told everyone that I had just been busy and focusing on my life and I was really sorry. I didn’t have a life whatsoever, but they didn’t need to know that. I decided to take a break from all the commotion and constant interrogation from my friends and went outside on the patio, taking a deep breath of fresh air. I leaned against the railing, staring up at the stars. It really was great to see everyone again. I had missed Sasha’s seemingly eternal appetite, Connie’s horrible jokes, Mikasa’s constant mothering.

My smile suddenly fell, my heart palpitating slightly. We would be giving out presents soon. I was incredibly nervous. I honestly had no idea why I was going to do this, seeing as it was probably going to be the most embarrassing thing I’d ever done. I wasn’t even sure Eren would like his gift. What if he didn’t remember?

As if on cue, the back door opened and I turned to see my best friend. “Hey,” he said and I smiled. “Hey,”

Eren walked over and stood beside me, leaning against the railing, emerald eyes tracing the constellations. I took a moment to study his face, observing the features that made him perfectly imperfect. The tiny freckles dotting his cheeks that you couldn’t see unless you were close enough, the flecks of gold and blue that mixed beautifully with the emerald of his eyes, the gentle curve of his eyelashes against his skin, the soft pink of his smile. The chill in the air seemed to disappear. “How are you doing?” he asked, bringing me out of my thoughts. “Great actually. I haven’t talked to everyone in so long.”

He let out a small laugh. “Yeah. Ever since horesface’s been in your life, you’ve seemed to disappear.”

Our eyes met and I felt suddenly small, like I was completely at Eren’s mercy and I’d tell him anything if he asked me to. I gulped nervously, feeling my face heat up strangely under his gaze before turning back to the sky. What was up with me? Since when could I not keep eye contact with my best friend? 

“I don’t know. I guess he just seemed like the most important thing in my life for awhile. I just lost sight of the things that were really important.” I said, seeing him smile. I must’ve said something right because he threw an arm around my shoulders and I almost melted at the warmth of his touch.

He pulled me into a side hug and I couldn’t help leaning into him, taking him in, breathing in the familiar smell of home. I felt so peaceful in that moment. It was like I had gone back in time, back before I had ever met Jean in that crowded coffee shop, back when Eren and I were the only thing that mattered. When we were young and let the world disappear, too lost in our own imaginations to notice how fast time was slipping by. “But now you know what really matters, right?” Eren asked and I looked into his eyes, getting lost there for a moment. I had no idea how someone like me had ever managed to become friends with someone like Eren. He always knew what to say, what to do to make someone feel better after something went wrong. He could tell when I was down and knew how to make me feel alive again. He was my savior, my friend, my brother. He was my childhood, my life, my home. My everything. And in that moment I realized all that had ever mattered to me. “Yeah,” I breathed. “I do.”

I craved his laugh, lived for his smile, just a single glance could make me feel like I was somebody in this world. One hello, one hug, one night of staying up until midnight reading stories, could make me feel like I wasn’t useless. Like I actually mattered to someone. And that was why I was about to do this. For Eren. It was Christmas and he deserved something in return for everything he had done for me, even if it was cheesy or embarrassing. He deserved to feel as special as I did when he was just standing next to me, making sure I was alright at a Christmas party I hadn’t wanted my boyfriend to come to.

“Well, we’re gonna start opening presents in a while,” he said and I realized I had been staring at him for who knows how long. “Yeah, we should probably get back,” I said, flushing in embarrassment. We went back inside and for some reason, I was a little less scared. We all gathered around the tree and the gift-giving began. 

Everyone liked their gifts — the look on Mikasa’s face when she saw I had gotten her that sweater was priceless. Ymir had gotten Krista some sort of dress and the two kissed for the first time in front of me to which I said a soft, ‘finally’. Connie had gotten Sasha a sack of potatoes as a joke, but she was actually quite pleased, thinking of all the things she could make with them. The gifts Jean had given out and received weren’t nearly as thoughtful as the rest of them, but I found I didn’t really care. I had put a decent amount of consideration into my gift for him, but he didn’t seem to appreciate it.

Then came time for my gift to Eren and I felt my stomach twist again. I had put the present in a case so he could carry it around and so he wouldn’t recognize it by the shape. I had tried to get the least revealing case and it must’ve worked because when he tore off the wrapping paper, he seemed confused as to what it was. But when he unlatched it and lifted the lid, his mouth fell open. Almost everyone in the room let out soft gasps or just stared at what I had gotten him and I felt myself blush in embarrassment. “A-Armin,” he breathed and he looked up at me, eyes shimmering. I gave a gentle smile. He pulled the guitar from its case and examined it, finding the place where I had written:  
_You are my everything.  
~Armin_

I felt a little childish at what I had written, but Eren seemed touched and that’s what I was hoping for. I gestured towards the guitar and he handed it to me, seeming a bit confused as to what I was doing. I glanced around the room, seeing everyone’s eyes on me. I suddenly felt like I had overdone Eren’s Christmas present, but I decided I didn’t care. He deserved the world.

I took a deep breath and with one last look into emerald eyes, I strummed the guitar. The room seemed to become more silent than it was before I began, no matter how impossible. I gulped nervously before beginning to sing.

 

_These strings of broken memories_  
_They wrap around my mind_  
_Faces like nightmares in my dreams_  
_But they can’t hurt me anymore_

_With you, everything’s different_  
_The stars in your eyes, the sunlight in your hair_  
_We’re living without a care_  
_‘Cause they can’t hurt us anymore_

____

 

Eren was watching me intently, seeming to hang on my every word and I felt a sudden burst of bravery in my chest. 

 

_With you, everything disappears_  
_Pain turns to relief_  
_And shadows turn to light_  
_You’re the only one who can see me_  
_They can give me glory_  
_But they’ll never give me you_  
_And you are all that matters_  
_You are my everything_

____

 

____

When I had finished, letting the last chord fade out, the entire room was staring open-mouthed at me, like I had just come back from the dead and stepped out of my grave. I thought I saw Eren’s eyes water before he tackled me, hugging me so tightly, I could barely breathe. But it was well worth it. I hugged him back just as firmly, burying my face in his shoulder. We stayed like that for a moment before he pulled away with a look that made my heart warm. “I can’t believe you remembered after all these years.” he said with the brightest smile I had ever seen. “How could I forget?” I replied almost incredulously. He hugged me again and I absolutely melted. “Thank you, Armin.”

____

When we pulled away, he gave me a smile and settled back into his seat. I heard Jean scoff and I felt absolutely offended. He didn’t realize how much that song meant to me and Eren. When we were fourteen — well Eren was nearly fifteen then — he told me that he was going to grow up to be a musician. He said he would go on tour and take me with him and together we would see the world. He didn’t have enough money for a guitar, but declared he would save up until he finally did. But most importantly, he told me he had written me a song. He had warned me in advance that it was ‘stupid’ and ‘cheesy’ but when he sang it to me on a warm summer’s night, I was completely overcome with emotion. I told him it was beautiful and had given him a hug, telling him I loved him too. Yes, it was unfinished and Eren would probably claim it was horribly written and he could do better now, but I loved it nonetheless. To me, it didn’t matter how good it was or if it was completed. It was the message and the feelings behind it that mattered.

____

Clearly, Jean didn’t understand that. But then again, he probably never could. No one would ever be able to understand how much Eren meant to me. But that was okay because Eren knew and that was all I needed.

____

We all hung out for a few more hours after that and Eren found me in a secluded corner of the kitchen. “Armin,” he said as he approached, a huge grin on his face. “I can’t even begin to tell you how I feel right now.”

____

I giggled and found my mouth moving on it’s own. “Try,”

____

“Well, first of all, I’m happy you’re here. I wasn’t sure if I could deal with all these idiots if you weren’t here to keep the peace. Second of all, I had no idea you were such a great singer. I loved the song — thanks for the guitar by the way. It really means a lot to me that you remembered that stupid thing after so many years.”

____

“It wasn’t stupid,” I said, somewhere between solemnity and laughter. Eren scoffed. “I was fourteen, Min, I didn’t know how to write songs. And I was trying to put how I felt about you into words, but you know how I am with that. Even now, I still couldn’t write a song that did you justice.”

____

I smiled, feeling myself blush at his words. “Thanks.” I muttered. “But seriously, thank you. I can’t begin to describe how amazing this Christmas — no, this _**life**_ has been with you in it.”

____

I giggled at how sappy all this was, but responded nonetheless. “You’ve made life pretty amazing, too.”

____

Eren smiled and I felt my chest tighten. I got a sudden feeling then. Something I hadn’t felt before, or perhaps I had but hadn’t been able to name or had been too scared to. I stared into his eyes, observing the various shades of green, blue, and gold and I felt like I was drowning. Everything around us disappeared until it was just us, just me and him. It was like we were young again and I was rushing through life with him, my mind struggling to keep up. My heart pounded as I observed the tan of his skin, the dimples on his cheeks, the way his smile made my stomach somersault sickeningly. My lungs stopped working as my gaze fell to his lips, noticing how perfect they were. The air suddenly changed as I reached up to place a hand on his chest, leaning into him. I got closer, feeling Eren’s breath gentle against my skin. I shivered, completely unsure of what I was doing, but at the same time, unable to stop myself.

____

What could stop me, however, was the clearing of a throat. I looked to the threshold of the kitchen and my heart suddenly sank. I wasn’t sure I had ever been so scared in my entire life. 

____

Jean.

____


	7. My Everything

I pulled out of Eren’s personal space and gave him an awkward smile. I said a quick goodbye and reluctantly went to Jean, trying hard not to meet his gaze. He leaned down and whispered in my ear, “Get in the car. We're leaving. _Now_.” 

I shivered at the calm anger in his voice. It scared me the most when he was like this. If he wasn't coming at you screaming, fists flying, you were really in for it. I said goodbye to the others, pulling a fake smile I was sure they could see through. But thankfully, no one questioned me on it.

When Jean and I climbed silently into the car, I could feel myself trembling. I honestly had no idea what would’ve happened had Jean not stopped me. I just remembered Eren’s eyes and the way his lips seemed to be pulling me in by a string. I almost slapped myself across the face, but I was pretty sure Jean would be doing much worse than that later. What had I been thinking? I had a boyfriend I loved, what was I doing leaning in to my best friend? That’s all Eren was. My best friend. Yes, he meant the world to me — I thought my little performance earlier clearly showed that. But I didn’t like him. Not like that. I couldn’t.

We pulled into the driveway and I was suddenly ripped away from my previous disconcerting thoughts. Jean was silent as we entered the house. I went in first, not being able to bring myself to turn around as he shut the door. “Armin,” came his voice. It was strong but slightly wavering. Like he was absolutely livid but trying to hold back and I visibly flinched at the sound. “What the fuck was that?”

“Jean, I’m sorry,” I said, turning to face him and his fist collided with my jaw. “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!”

“I-I don’t know . . .” I stuttered pathetically. Despite my honesty, Jean threw two blows to my stomach, making me fold in on myself. I guess he didn’t like the truth if it wasn't what he wanted to hear. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T FUCKING KNOW?! I TOLD YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM JAEGER, BUT DID YOU LISTEN TO ME?! NO! YOU NEVER DO, YOU MOTHERFUCKING WHORE!”

A punch to the head, a slam into the wall. “HE’S NO GOOD FOR ANYBODY! ALL HE DOES IS RUIN EVERYTHING! I’D KILL HIM IF I EVER GOT THE CHANCE!”

The hair on the back of my neck suddenly bristled and I felt my fists clench. “Eren is the best thing that ever happened to me!” I yelled and the look in his eyes told me I had messed up. Big time. He kicked my torso and punched me repeatedly, blood dripping from my nose and into my mouth. After what seemed like eternity of blow after blow, Jean grabbed my neck and squeezed. It was like he forgot I was human. A human that made mistakes. A human that desperately needed to breathe. “AND WHAT WAS WITH THAT GODDAMN SONG?! THAT ‘YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING’ SHIT?! SINCE WHEN DID HE MEAN SO DAMN MUCH TO YOU?!”

I might’ve responded had I been able to speak. But I was too busy clawing at the hands around my throat, trying to pry them off and be able to breathe freely again. Jean and I lived together. We had been dating for who knows how long and we had just gotten home from a party with my friends. It was Christmas Eve. This was a Christmas present I really didn’t want. And yes, I had no idea why I did what I did. I wasn’t thinking. And that’s just it. I wasn’t thinking. If I had been, we wouldn’t be here right now. But it happened and I was sure it never would again. Jean didn’t need to beat me up to prove his point. He was upset. I get that. I would be to. What I did was a dick move, but I didn’t mean to hurt him. And maybe he wouldn’t forgive me even if he listened to me. But he wouldn’t even do that.

I tried to ignore the pain with every attack on my bruised and bleeding form. I found my mind beginning to wander and eventually I went numb again. I felt hot tears burn my skin as they rolled down my cheeks, my pathetic sobs and whimpers every few seconds as I was hit again and again. Jean was yelling something at me, but I couldn’t hear him. I really was a sorry excuse for a boyfriend. This was why Jean was so worried for me. I just got myself stupidly in trouble and never knew what I had done wrong. Only this time I did. I had almost kissed Eren. Why, I didn’t know. But it didn’t matter why. It almost happened, that was a fact, and Jean was upset. As one would be if they suspected their partner of cheating on them. But I wasn’t cheating on him. I just had a problem controlling myself, especially with Eren. Things were just so easy. He made me feel like I could do anything and that added bravery sometimes made me do stupid things.

By the time Jean had finished with me, I knew it was going to take awhile to force myself to move. The metallic taste in my mouth was overwhelming and I spit, seeing drops of red freckle the ground. This was bad. It was really bad. My face ached from the punches, my body torn up and bruised, everything felt like it was on fire. Like I was burning somewhere in Hell for being such a horrible person. I felt my head swirl as I tried to bring myself to my feet, stumbling a bit on the way up. My legs shook as I limped down the hall, every step seemingly more painful than the last. I finally reached the bathroom door and shuffled in, taking a good look at myself in the mirror. I looked awful. Like I had gotten into a fist-fight with someone three times my size in an alley. But no. It was just my boyfriend beating me again. Merry Christmas to me. 

I grabbed a towel and ran it under the water, lifting it to my face. I dabbed away any blood and tears I came across, wincing occasionally when I touched a wound. I heard myself whimper as I fought the screaming pain and couldn't help thinking how pathetic I was. I was a horrible boyfriend who wasn't strong enough to deal with the troubles in a relationship. I ignored warnings, did actions that got me in bad situations, and I tried to find excuses for what I did or said. But it really was entirely my fault. 

Jean shouldn't be mad at Eren because we're so close and hang out all the time, he should be mad at me. I'm the one who apparently thinks subconsciously that kissing Eren is a good idea. I was just being stupid. I didn't think of him that way and I didn't know what prompted me to do what I did at the party, but it wasn't any hidden feelings. Or maybe that was just an another excuse. 

When I had finished cleaning up, I trudged to bed, taking my time to slip myself under the covers gently so as not to cause any unnecessary pain. I sighed, ignoring the ache in my chest. I stared at the photo on my desk and how the glass shimmered in the moonlight. It was a picture of Eren and I the first time we went to the beach. I had been obsessed with seeing the ocean since I was young, so one long and otherwise uneventful day in summer turned into one of the best of my life. I took a moment to observe my face and the brilliant smile that was plastered there, as if it were impossible to remove. I was so happy that day. That was back before I started dating Jean, when Eren and I would go anywhere and everywhere doing anything we wanted to. When we would go on adventures together just to see what we would find. I didn't realize I was crying until I felt a tear roll down my cheek. 

What had changed? What had happened to us? What in this world was enough to wipe that smile off my face and bring that incredible boy next to me farther away? Of course I knew the answer. I just never wanted to admit it to myself, to take a moment to grasp reality. And I still wasn't ready to come to terms with it yet. So, instead, my eyes drifted to the other person in the photo — the boy who had become my everything. He was smiling just as brightly as I was, his happiness so genuine it made my heart warm. It wasn't often that I saw Eren like that. Not truly happy. There always seemed to be something else — something deeper in his gaze that dimmed the familiar light. He was worried. Anyone with eyes could see that. Ever since Jean came into my life, he'd been more reserved. More closed off. Like he was holding back from something that made life amazing. The childhood joy had gone away, the dazzling smile fading slightly. I didn't really notice it at first. But ever since I told Eren about Jean punching me that day at the lake, it became more obvious. Maybe it started then or maybe it was just brought to my attention and I hadn't seen it before. But it was there. 

It wasn't necessarily a change. Eren was still Eren and nothing could ever change that. But he cared for me. And he just became more cautious. More focused on making sure I was okay than anything else. Asking if I was doing fine or if there had been any more altercations with Jean. I found myself smiling softly in the dark. Eren really did care about me. Of course, I had always known that — we were best friends after all. But it became more noticeable. The constant worrying over my well being was a daily routine for him and that made me feel special. Like I mattered enough for someone to want to look after. To protect. And quite honestly, that's what Eren was doing. Whenever Jean got really upset and threw a few more verbal or physical punches than usual, Eren was my escape. When I fell, he was always there to pick me up and teach me how to walk again. I settled on this thought, wiping my swollen eyes and taking one last look at the photograph before silently drifting off into a dreamless sleep.


	8. Walks, Talks, and Coffee

I was a completely dysfunctional human being and I wasn’t sure whether or not I was okay with that. I had already proved myself to be a horrible boyfriend, but now I was just a horrible friend. Eren hadn’t said anything about the attempted kiss and for awhile I believed it was because he hadn’t noticed. But I was just lying to myself. I didn’t know how dense he would have to be not to notice the way I was leaning into him and how intensely I was staring at his lips, but I could guarantee that Eren wasn’t anywhere near it. He knew how people worked. That was his thing. It was like me and words, we just seemed to understand each other. I just got them. And Eren got people. He knew how they were feeling and he could read body language as easily as I could read words on a piece of paper. But if there was one person he knew best out of everyone in the entire world, it was me.

He had known me for almost my entire life. He noticed everything. From the twitch of a smile I tried to hide to the small bite of my lip when I was nervous. It could be so much as a certain tone of voice that I couldn’t pick up on, and immediately he knew exactly how I was feeling — sometimes before I even knew myself. Most of time, it came in handy. Whenever I couldn’t find the words I so desperately depended on, Eren could always put a name to what I was trying to express. So it saved me a lot of trouble. Usually. But not now. Not after what happened.

After the party, I pretty much ignored him. I honestly didn’t mean to. I told myself it was a defense mechanism for the awkward atmosphere that would smother me if we were in the same room. But that wasn’t it. Or at least, not all of it. I had spent the weeks following the incident held up in my room, hiding under my bed sheets, for two reasons. Firstly, I didn’t have the courage to look Jean in the face after the beating. But the second reason is what scared me the most. And it could be explained in one simple question. Why?

Though honestly, it wasn’t all that simple. It seemed like it wouldn’t be too difficult to answer, but for some reason, that wasn’t the case for me. It should’ve been I was living a fantasy and got too caught up in the moment, completely forgetting that I had a boyfriend. But that was an excuse. If I was honest with myself, there were really only two decisions I could come to. I either had a crush on Eren or I didn’t. But even then, what I was feeling was far too complex to fit into those boxes. Of course I cared for him — he was my best friend and I loved him. I just couldn’t tell if I loved him in a different way. Our friendship had always drifted somewhere near the line between a friendship and something more. But we never really had a need to put a label on it. In fact, that’s how things had sort of always been.

When my sexuality came into question, I spent hours researching and trying to figure out who I was. But then I realized I didn’t need to decide. I didn’t need a word to define me. I just needed to live my life and follow whatever path I wanted. And with Eren, nothing we ever did or talked about needed any discussing or planning beforehand. We always followed our hearts and it was as if we ruled the world. Doing whatever we wanted, going places on a whim — that was always how Eren and I lived. No rules and no cares; the entire world was in our hands and we could achieve anything. And as I lay there, snuggled into my sheets, I came to a conclusion.

I didn’t need to name how I felt for Eren. I just needed to remember how important he was to me and no matter what, I couldn’t lose him. He was my everything. So whether we were friends or lovers, whether he needed space or time to think things through, I wouldn’t care. As long as we were together, that was all I needed. We could figure things out as we went along. And wherever that took us was fine by me. Everything would be fine as long as I was still me and he was still Eren. 

I let out a sigh and in a way I felt comforted. Even though my joints ached from not moving for days, I lifted myself up, feeling a little better about the whole thing. Though I wasn’t sure I would be able face Eren that exact moment, I decided I would talk to him later to apologize or set things right or both. But as for today, I would finally get up, take a shower, and conquer one of my greatest fears for another day. My boyfriend.

 

After I was done taking a shower, I nervously walked into the living room, noticing Jean lounging on the sofa, staring at the television again. He glanced at me and I faked indifference. “Good morning,” I smiled, but he ignored me, turning back to his show. “Go out today.”

I was too shocked to ask why. But I didn’t think Jean would’ve been too pleased with me if I had. “O-Okay.” I stuttered. I guess I **_was_** facing Eren today. The thought made my heart pound painfully in my chest. “Don’t stay out later than seven.”

But I had nowhere else to go really. I pulled on my shoes and coat, running  
a hand through my hair before heading to the door. “And Armin,” Jean’s voice stopped me. I turned around. “If you go to Jaeger’s house,”

The look in his eyes made me shrink into myself a little, the cold fire burning there reminding me of the many times I had seen it before and how much I never wanted to again. “I’ll kill you.”

His words hit me like a ton of bricks, nearly knocking me off my feet. In another situation, I might not have taken him seriously, but it was Jean and I had almost kissed my best friend at a Christmas party. And now those words were a little further past the line between figurative and literal. I swallowed and gave a timid nod, deciding to maybe catch up with Mikasa instead. We hadn’t formally spent time together in awhile and maybe I could also find out how Eren was doing without seeing him directly. Once I climbed into my car, I sent Mikasa a text asking if she wanted to come with me to Rose Park. Getting an affirmative and arranging to meet up there, I started towards the park, letting out a deep breath.

When I arrived, I immediately spotted the familiar crimson tucked under a wave of ebony hair. “Mika,” I said, getting her attention. She looked up and smiled at me. “Hey, Min.” she greeted, tucking her phone into her pocket. “You wanna head to the coffee shop around the corner?”

“Sure.” I replied, falling into step beside her as we walked. “Any particular reason you texted me out of the blue?”

“Not really. I just needed to get out of the house and we haven’t talked in awhile, so . . .” I let myself trail off, not really wanting to go into the details. Or at least, not yet. I could see Mikasa glance at me out of the corner of my eye, but I ignored it, pulling open the door of the coffee shop. We ordered two lattes and Mikasa insisted she pay for the both of us. But by insisted, I mean more like physically blocked any angle at which I could approach the counter while shoving her money in the barista’s face. Once we got our drinks, we decided to walk around the park as it was fairly crowded inside the cafe and Mikasa seemed concerned for my mental health after my statement about getting out of the house.

I took a sip of the steaming caramel of my drink as we walked around the small rose garden. The flowers seemed somehow brighter against the crisp, cool grey of the sky. “So,” Mikasa spoke up suddenly. “You’ve sent my brother into a spiraling depression.”

I almost choked on my coffee. “What?”

“After the party, you haven’t really talked to him. I asked him about it, but he didn’t tell me the details, just that you freaked for some reason and had been ignoring him for weeks.”

I idly picked at the cardboard sleeve on my cup. This wasn’t how I wanted to start this conversation, but I was in it now, so it’d have to do. “I didn’t mean to.” I started quietly. “I just . . . did something stupid.”

“Stupid?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s unlike you. You usually think things through pretty thoroughly.”

I couldn’t tell whether or not she was trying to be funny. With the mood I was in, though, I didn’t really care. I sighed heavily, being reminded of the incident at the party — the brilliance of emerald eyes, the soft curve of a smile, the gentle breath against my lips. I felt my face redden and brought a hand up to run through my hair. “I guess it was pretty stupid.”

“Yeah. It was.”

“What happened?”

The tenderness in her voice told me she didn’t want to push me too far, but I decided to just let it out. I had to talk to someone about this and Mikasa was the perfect candidate. “I . . . I almost kissed him.”

She didn’t need to ask who it was. It was silent for a long time and though my heart felt like it was about ready to beat out of my chest, I couldn’t bring myself to meet her gaze. “Oh,” she said finally and I almost chuckled.

Almost.

“Okay, so . . . you freaked out because you almost kissed?”

“For one thing. Jean also saw the entire thing.”

“Jesus fuck, okay.”

I couldn’t help a tiny smile. Mikasa never really swore, so this was kind of a first. “That makes it about ten times worse.”

“It does.”

“Did he talk to you about it?”

Flashbacks from that night returned. The yelling, the punches, the blood. If that could be considered talking, then yes, he definitely did. I shook the thoughts away and explained what had happened, excluding all the violent details. “He was really upset, which I can understand. I was about to kiss another guy, of course he’d feel that way. It’s like I’m cheating on him.”

“But you’re not.”

“No, I’m not.”

Mikasa gave me a gentle look then. “And how do **_you_** feel? About all this?”

The question sort of caught me off guard and for a moment, I wasn’t sure what to say. “Uh . . . I’m just . . . really confused, I guess.”

She tilted her head to the side a bit, giving me a puzzled look. “How come?”

I had to take a moment to arrange my thoughts, but once I did, I spilled my heart out in front of her. I told her how important Eren was to me and how I didn’t know why I had tried to kiss him. How much I wanted to apologize for messing up but I wasn’t really sure how. That I knew we had to talk things out, but I was too scared of being kicked out of his life forever. The entire time, she stared at me with the same expression — one I couldn’t quite decipher. It was something I hadn’t seen before. When I had finished, I wasn’t sure what I expected her to say, but it wasn’t what she said. “Do you think it’s possible that you _like_ Eren?”

I groaned. “I’ve thought about it.”

“And?”

 

“And I decided that I shouldn’t think about it. I have a boyfriend — I couldn’t — **_shouldn’t_** feel anything for him anyways.”

“Shouldn’t and couldn’t are two very different words.” she said. “They mean two very different things. I’m going to tell you something, Armin, and I want you to think about it. No matter how crazy or stupid it may seem, just hear me out. Eren cares about you. You’re the only thing that really matters to him. And with you gone, he completely loses it. He can’t even function without a good night text or a stupid game of Mario Kart. He _**needs**_ you.”

I bit my lip, shoving my unoccupied hand deep into my pocket. “And I’m not saying you need to figure anything out just yet, but you can’t keep ignoring him. I know how nerve-wracking it can be to face your fears, but you have to do it someday. They’ll just keep following you around for the rest of your life if you don’t. So talk to him. Tell him you’re sorry, tell him everything you just told me, and don’t you dare think of holding back. Because no matter what, there’s no way he’ll shut you out. He cares about you so much it’s borderline unhealthy. And even if you mess up, even if he needs some time, that’s all it’ll be. Just some time to figure things out. But he’ll always come back to you. I promise you that.”

I let out a sigh of relief, a little taken aback at everything she had said. She stopped in her tracks and when I turned, she placed a warm hand on my shoulder. “And Armin,” she said sternly. “Promise me something. Promise me that you’ll stop thinking when it’s important, arlight? If the time comes when you don’t know what to do, don’t think about it, just do what you feel is right. Stop listening to this,” she told me, tapping my skull before poking my chest. “And listen to this. Because that’s what’s gonna guide you through all of this. And if it tells you something that interferes with your relationship with Jean, let it. I know he’s your boyfriend and you have feelings for him, but don’t let him stop you from living life the way you want. I just want you to be happy. And if Jean or anyone else keeps you from that, you need to find a way around them. So you don’t have to think about how you feel about Eren. You just need to feel. And when you do, don’t shut it down. Don’t push him away because you shouldn’t be feeling anything. If your heart steers you a direction, you should follow it. So promise me you’ll listen when it tells you where to go, no matter where that may be. And don’t worry so much. These things have a funny way of figuring themselves out. Just give it time.”

Before I could say anything, her phone rang and she hurriedly pulled it from her pocket. “Sorry, Min, I gotta go. Promise me?” she asked, beginning to walk back towards her car. “I-I promise.”

Mikasa flashed me a quick smile before turning around, bringing the phone to her ear. I stood there for a moment, staring at her retreating figure, thinking over everything she had told me. Maybe she was right. Maybe I really did need to stop thinking and start living. Just like Eren and I used to do. I hadn’t followed my heart in so long, I was beginning to think I wouldn’t remember how. It seemed like an eternity since the last time I didn’t worry about something or other. Living with someone like Jean made you on edge. I had a constant anxiety that followed me whenever I left the house — one that reminded me of the consequences if I stayed out too late or didn’t answer his texts. But Eren was different. And Mikasa was right, he truly did care about me. I just needed to calm down. Relax. I needed to live like Eren taught me to all those years ago. 

Letting out a sigh, I headed back to my car, my mind clouded with Mikasa’s advice and worries that continued to plague me despite my wishes. But I shook my head. This is exactly what Mikasa told me not to do. I needed to stop thinking so much. I would figure this out eventually. What I **_did_** know was I needed to apologize to Eren and talk things through with him, so we could at least get out of the rocky territory I had dragged us both into. So that’s what I was going to do. And I was going to do something about this whole mess before I gave myself any time to think about it. I sent a quick text to the number I had been ignoring the past couple weeks, putting my car into gear and driving down the familiar road to my best friend’s house.


	9. Titanic

When he answered the door, Eren seemed genuinely surprised to see me. “Armin,” he breathed, staring at me like I had just fallen through the ceiling. “What’re you doing here?”

“We need to talk.” I said a bit more forcefully than I intended. But Eren didn’t flinch. “Uh, yeah, sure, come on in.”

He stood aside and as soon as I was inside and the door was shut behind me, my composure fell apart. “Eren, I’m sorry. About what happened.”

Emerald eyes fixed on me as he shifted. I could tell he was trying to decide what to say. “No, it’s . . . it’s fine.”

“No, Eren, it’s really not fine.” I said, tucking my hair behind my ear. I just needed to breathe and do what Mikasa told me. Apologize and tell him exactly what I told her. “I don’t know what I was doing. I just . . . god, I’m so _stupid_. Look, Eren, I have no idea what that was, and I didn’t mean to do that to you, and I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring you, I just freaked out and I —”

“Armin, Armin, calm down,” he said and the giggle in his voice made me feel a bit better. He wrapped his arms around me and I sank into him, breathing in his scent and ignoring the flutter in my chest. No. Mikasa told me to feel and not shut it down. “Breathe for a second, okay? I’m not mad at you.”

I pulled out of the embrace, noticing the emptiness I felt at the loss of contact. “You’re not?”

“No.” he laughed. “Why would I be?”

I bit my lip. I honestly didn’t know why he would be mad. I shrugged. “I dunno.”

I saw him smile and averted my gaze, feeling a familiar heat flood my cheeks. “Armin, I could never be upset with you. Especially not over something like this. You mean the world to me, and no matter what happens, I still want us to be friends.”

So we were on the same page. That was good. But at the same time, I felt a strange pain in my chest and I realized I had felt it before. “I never want to lose you.”

I gave a soft smile, my fingers tingling as Eren took them gently in his own. “I never want to lose you, either.” I said and for a moment it was like nothing had happened. We were kids, free-falling through life and going wherever it took us. We were living in the moment — _for_ the moment — needing nothing but each other to keep us sane. To keep us alive. I forgot about everything. All my problems disappeared as if they were illusions and had never really been there at all. Jean, the things Mikasa said, everything fell away and it was just me, Eren, and the undeniable twist of my heart.

 

After I had apologized, things more or less went back to normal. Jean was still a little wary of me going to Eren’s, but he was no less lenient with me. I was somewhat surprised. I guess I supposed after what had happened he wouldn’t let me go out as much, but thankfully that wasn’t the case. He was still in the strange mood of ‘go out today don’t come back until whatever time’. It was very much appreciated. But still weird. Though I didn’t think about it much. I had tried to stop doing that.

It was on one of those days that Jean told me to get out of the house that I decided to pay Eren another visit. I had tried to follow Mikasa’s advice as much as I could, so when he smiled at me and my heart flipped in my chest, I didn’t ignore it. “Back again, are we?”

“You know I can’t resist the Jaeger charm.”

“Well prepare yourself because you’re in for an absolute overdose of the Jaeger charm.”

“Am I?”

“You better believe it.”

I smiled and stepped inside trying not to focus on how close we were. “Mikasa not here?” I asked, noticing the lack of my newfound life coach. “No, she’s with that girl again.”

“You’re still on about that?” I asked with a smile, kicking off my shoes as he fell back on his bed. “I’m telling you, Min, there’s no way they’re just friends. She’s over there all the fucking time.”

“ _I’m_ over here all the time.”

I could’ve slapped myself in the face. I thought I saw something flash through emerald eyes, but it was gone so fast, I wasn’t sure I had seen it. “Yeah, but that’s different. You’re actually cool.”

I giggled. “And this girl — what did you say her name was again?”

“Annie.”

“And Annie isn’t cool enough for her and Mikasa to be just friends?”

“Exactly.”

“Eren, I hate to tell you, but your logic makes no sense.”

He gave me a playful shove and I felt my skin burn under his touch, my heart beginning to race. Ever since Mikasa had talked to me, I’d been feeling things like this. But I hadn’t thought about them too hard and that’s why I was still able to do this. That’s why I could still look Eren in the face without wanting him to wrap me up in a hug. Without wanting to run my hands through soft chocolate hair or kiss his lips like I tried to at the Christmas party. I shook my head, immediately remembering Jean. But that wasn’t going to get me anywhere. “Hey, you wanna watch a movie?” Eren asked and I shrugged. “Sure. Which one?”

He switched on his television, grabbing the remote and flopping back on his bed. I took a seat beside him as he browsed Netflix, searching for something good. “How about Titanic?”

“Titanic?”

“Yeah.”

“Isn’t that supposed to be sad, though?”

Eren looked at me like I had just slapped him across the face. “Are you telling me that you, Armin Arlert, have never seen Titanic?”

“I’m telling you that I, Armin Arlert, have never seen Titanic.”

“We’re watching it.”

I laughed as he started the movie, leaning back against the pillows. “Get your ass over here.” he said, lifting his arm up. I felt myself blush. He wanted to cuddle? Right now? While we watched Titanic? I bit my lip nervously, but found myself crawling over and settling into his side. Eren draped his arm over my shoulders, pulling me into him and I let out a gentle sigh. I could feel his warmth radiating through me and I melted into him, deciding this was one of the best days of my life. And as Rose stepped out to look at the Titanic, I forgot about Jean for a second. I allowed myself to feel without shutting it down, just as Mikasa said. I focused on how close Eren was to me, the way his fingers would move against my shoulder every few seconds. I listened to my heart beat, feeling my face warm as it reddened, subconsciously moving closer to him whenever I readjusted.

As the movie played, I was somewhere between paying attention and being too distracted by Eren just being there to care what was going on. Though it did seem almost wrong to be feeling like this about someone who wasn’t my boyfriend, I didn’t let that affect me. I wasn’t cheating on Jean. I wouldn’t. Mikasa said my heart would lead me somewhere and if it ended up leading me to Eren, I’d figure all that out later. But as Jack and Rose shared a kiss on the bow of the Titanic, I let myself imagine how it would feel to kiss Eren. I thought about what might’ve happened had Jean not seen us at the party and I had leaned the rest of the way forward. The thought alone made my heart pound.

I glanced at Eren through my lashes, seeing his gaze focused on the movie. I took a moment to examine every aspect of his face. The tiny freckles that dusted his cheeks that were so small, you couldn’t see them from afar. The slope of his jaw and the curve of his mouth. The way the corners of his eyes crinkled when he laughed or smiled wide enough. Everything about him was the same yet seemed completely different. I was still looking at Eren, it was just through a different lens. It didn’t take away anything from him, it just added another level of appreciation. Another level of him that left me in complete awe. I had no idea how I hadn’t noticed how breathtakingly beautiful my best friend really was. Both physically and otherwise. Of course he was attractive — he had always been attractive — but now he was absolutely stunning. The combination of his good looks and charming personality made him seem to me almost like a god. Like he was some perfect creature come to earth from a distant world who could make people worship the ground he walked on. Eren was amazing in each and every way. What had I possibly done to deserve him? Someone like me didn’t deserve someone as incredible as he was.

Before I knew it, the movie was over and despite my lack of a long attention span, I was a little emotional. I was always a sucker for romance. “So, Arlert, how was the best movie of all time?”

“If I don’t say it was the best movie of all time, will you be upset?”

Eren placed a hand on his chest and gasped in mock horror. “Are you telling me you didn’t _**like it**_?”

I giggled. “Of course I liked it.”

_I was just a little distracted._

“I just don’t think it’s the absolute greatest movie to ever exist.”

Eren stood up, leaving me missing his warmth. “Wow, I upset you that much, did I?” I smiled. He held up a hand. “Don’t speak. You’ve offended me on multiple personal levels.”

“I—”

“No. I don’t want to hear your apologies.”

I let out a breathy laugh. There was a moment of silence before I spoke up. “If I cuddle with you, will you forgive me?”

Eren glanced at me, but crossed his arms, still trying to stay strong. “No.”

“Please? What if I promise to give it another shot?”

He hesitated. “And you’ll cuddle?”

“And I’ll cuddle.”

Eren looked at me a moment before giving in, climbing over to me. “Fine. But you better like it next time.”

“Eren, I told you, I did like it, I’m just not overly amazed by it.” I laughed. He didn’t respond, tackling me in a hug and making us fall back onto the mattress. He grumbled as he buried his face into the crook of my neck and I had to fight my blush. I played absentmindedly with his hair, feeling myself relax. “You’re so dramatic.”

“Ex _ **cuse me**_.” he said as if I had just insulted him on a major level. I giggled, coming to a sort of conclusion in my head. It was true I didn’t need to come to decision about Eren. I didn’t need to force our relationship into a box or label it as this or that. I just needed moments like these. Because these were what kept me sane. He was my drug and as long as I kept getting doses, I would be fine. But I settled on something and though I was a bit scared of possible outcomes, I knew I couldn’t deny it any longer. I wasn’t sure what Eren was to me yet, but I did know that whatever it was, no matter how much a tried to deny it, was a little bit more than just a best friend.


	10. Harsh Reality

As the weeks turned to months, I found myself falling for Eren at an alarming speed. After my revelation of the feelings I had suppressed for so long, I realized how incredibly oblivious I had been. The way my stomach would flip when he shot me a crooked smile, the way I wouldn’t be able to look away if the sun caught his eyes just right — everything was beginning to make sense. Little things from our past that always seemed strange or that I had just shrugged off could easily be explained in one sentence. I had a thing for my best friend. 

Part of me was giddy with the excitement that comes along with a newly discovered crush — no matter how long that crush was there and just hadn’t been noticed. But part of me was also terrified. Absolutely, gut-wrenchingly terrified.

I tried to heed Mikasa’s advice and try not to think about Jean. But it was getting increasingly difficult the more I realized exactly how head over heels for Eren I actually was. And suddenly it was like I was seeing Jean in a whole new light. I supposed I had always known how he treated me was not to the usual standards, but it never really sunk in. Yes, the beatings and the harsh words were very real for me, but somehow I never really saw how awful things between us actually were. Not that they are all the time. But something seemed to go off in me — like some sort of alarm.

Spending more and more time with Eren made me start to see that things back at home weren’t as great as they could’ve been. And yet, despite my feelings for Eren and the slow realization that Jean could’ve been treating me better, I stayed with him. I could’ve run away with Eren and left Jean and all my problems behind me. But something made me stay.

Deep down in my heart, I still thought Jean loved me. He just punched and kicked me sometimes. I wasn’t sure what it was still tying me to him, but all I knew was that it was there and it wasn’t letting go of me anytime soon. Because no matter what he did to me, he always apologized. He always told me he was sorry, that he loved me, that he’d never do it again. And when he did, it was always because of something I had done. I triggered his inability to control his anger. Then all his worrying about me, all his concern for my well-being was lashed out on me in a whorl of blind assault. 

And as much as I never wanted to be in the middle of that ever again, I couldn’t help feeling guilty. Jean and I had been together for so long, and he loved me so much that I couldn’t bear to leave him heartbroken. Because even after everything, a small part of me loved him too. But there was another part of me that thought he would go absolutely ballistic if I ever wanted to break it off with him. That he would hunt me down if I ran away and drag me back to him. I tried not to think about what he would do to me after that.

And I still didn’t understand why he was suddenly so lenient with me — letting me go out for an entire day and giving a specific time to return. He had never let me do things on my own, especially out of the house. And it was so sudden. One day he was yelling at me for leaving the house and the next he was yelling at me to go out. It hadn’t made any sense then, and it still didn’t make any sense now. But I didn’t think much of it. I had been so ecstatic at finally getting a chance to see Eren without a possible risk of a beating, I had failed to dwell on the strangeness of the situation. But now it had been going on for months and it was beginning to become more apparent.

After telling me to leave, requesting another bottle of aspirin, and informing me of my daily curfew, I left Jean to his television and shut the door behind me. I didn’t understand what was going on and took a moment to think it over on the drive to Eren’s house. But once I had pulled into the driveway, I shook the thoughts away. I knocked on the door and it was answered by Mikasa who gave me a smile. “Hey, Min, good to see you.”

“You too,” I said as she let me in. I hadn’t seen her since our talk, but judging by the returned exuberance of her brother, I figured she knew I had apologized. “Eren’s outside on the porch. I’m making sandwiches, they should be ready in a couple minutes.”

I thanked her and opened the back door to see Eren lounging in the sun with his sunglasses, a glass of lemonade on the table beside him.

It was an unusually warm day for March, but I thought his lack of a shirt was unnecessary. “Eren, what are you doing?” I asked, trying to hide my blush. “Sunbathing.” he replied simply, not even looking at me. I sank into the chair next to him, trying to keep my eyes from running over his exposed chest. I decided to instead look up at the sky and at the small garden Mikasa had planted near the back fence. The vegetables planted there were bright in the shimmering sun, ripe and ready to be harvested. I couldn’t resist as I glanced over Eren’s body before meeting his eyes to find him staring at me. I flushed. 

“Like what you see?” he asked with a smirk. Before I could reply, the back door swung open and Mikasa came out with a plate of sandwiches and a pitcher of lemonade. She placed them down on the table and rushed back into the house to grab two glasses of ice. She pulled up a chair and sat with us, pouring lemonade for herself and I.

“Thanks,” I smiled, taking the glass from her hands and trying to avoid emerald eyes. I took a bite of my sandwich and told Mikasa it was delicious, to which she informed me rather proudly that she had used vegetables from her garden. “Gardening seems like a nice hobby.” I muttered, partially to myself. “Oh, it’s wonderful.” she smiled. “It’s also useful unlike some of the things this one does for fun.” she said, nodding over at Eren. “Rude.” Eren grumbled. “I do plenty of useful things.”

“Name one.”

“I play video games.”

Mikasa and I giggled. “Eren, how is that useful?”

“If we ever get into a street fight, I’ll know a bunch of moves and kick their assess.”

“Eren, I’m pretty sure Mikasa would be able to get herself out of that situation.” I commented and she grinned smugly. “Black belt in karate, remember?” she asked rhetorically and Eren rolled his eyes fondly. We then talked about how he or Mikasa would ever get themselves into a street fight and the so called ‘moves’ Eren would use in such a situation. I informed him of the difference between video games and reality and how some of the physics in games aren’t anywhere near following it’s actual laws. He then asked how I would know whether or not our lives were reality or actually some sort of virtual illusion. But then Mikasa started having an existential crisis so we ended the conversation with a laugh. 

“Eren, I’m going out soon, are you sure you’ll be okay on your own?”

“Mikasa, I’m a grown man, I can take care of myself.”

Mikasa rolled her eyes, muttering something like ‘yeah, right’ under her breath. She picked up the empty dish and started for the door when Eren asked, “You going to see Annie?”

“Eren, we’ve had this conversation, I’m not sleeping with her.”

“That’s what you say. You’re just scared of my detective skills and are trying to keep the whole thing under the radar. I’m onto you, Ackerman.” he joked and Mikasa let out a breathy laugh before heading inside. Now that Eren and I were alone, my heart began to race and I fidgeted nervously. I heard the soft rumble of an engine from the front as Mikasa drove away, possibly to her friend dubbed secret girlfriend. I looked over at Eren who had gone back to his sunbathing, biting my lip and glancing shamelessly over his tanned skin. I felt myself beginning to lose it and nothing had even happened. I really was into him.

“So, Min, you never answered my question.” he smirked and I swallowed nervously. I didn’t ask what the question was. He glanced over at me. “Like what you see?” he said again, but I kept my composure. “Oh yes, very much.” I replied with a small smile, feigning nonchalance. I leaned closer, wondering where this was coming from. “In fact, I like it so much . . .” I said almost seductively, tracing a finger over his stomach. I looked at him through my lashes and despite the indifferent expression he wore, I thought I saw something flash in emerald eyes. Something that made my heart twist uncomfortably. I suddenly attacked, my hands darting to his sides where I knew his weak spot was, giggling as he yelped. “Armin, no!” he cried as I tickled him mercilessly, slinging a leg over his hips to keep him in place. He squirmed, laughing despite himself, trying to fight me off, but I kept coming back. “Stop!” he managed between giggles, but I shook my head. “Nope, I don’t think so.”

He successfully grabbed my wrist and with a twist of his hips, he flipped us over, pinning me to the chair underneath him. With a quick smirk, I felt my heart sink. Oh no. He brought his lips to my neck, blowing a raspberry against my skin and making me laugh. “Eren, stop! N-No, it tickles, sto-op!” I breathed, trying to fight him off, but he had my wrists pinned down and I was unable to escape. I squirmed and giggled, trying desperately to get him to stop and eventually he had mercy on me. I let my laughter lapse into silence, trying to catch my breath, meeting his gaze and feeling myself flush. After smiling at me slightly, he dipped his head down again, placing a soft kiss underneath my jaw and I gasped almost inaudibly. His lips lingered there for a moment before he looked up at me, his eyes shimmering. “Sorry, Min.” he said but my head was thick with fog and I couldn’t remember what he was apologizing for. He climbed off of me and I sat up, trying to focus on what he was saying. “You deserved it though.”

He gave me a cocky grin and I slapped his shoulder somewhat playfully. “At least I gave you a chance to escape.”

“No, I’m just stronger than you so I could get away.”

I gave him a glare, but my eyes were filled with mirth. He giggled. “I’m just kidding, Min.” he said, his gaze meeting mine. “You’re the strongest person I know.”

My breath hitched and he gave me a smile before standing up and picking up his glass of lemonade. “I’m going inside. You staying here or does the asshole need you for something?”

I blinked. “Actually, that reminds me, he wanted me to run some errands.”

Eren nodded and it was like nothing had happened. I tried to seem calm and composed, but internally, I felt like my entire body had forgotten how to function. My mind had broken down and was now only set on one thing. _Eren._

But I forced myself to grab my phone and my keys, and pretend everything was fine between us as I said a quick goodbye. I climbed into my car and started for the convenience store to pick up some aspirin. I didn’t know how Eren could just do things like that. It seemed to just come so naturally to him, to be able to cross the line between friendship and something more and pretend everything was normal. But perhaps my sensitivity to things like that was heightened due to the way I had been feeling as of late. I ran in and grabbed a bottle of aspirin, giving it to cashier, and returning to my car. Jean said not to be back by six. Well, surely he wouldn’t mind if I dropped by just to leave the aspirin. I drove back down the street, still feeling a little flustered over the events at my best friend’s house. But I shook them from my mind, deciding that I needed a clear head in case Jean didn’t take things so lightly. I opened the door and walked inside, shutting it softly behind me. “Jean?” I asked gently, assuming he’d be on the couch watching television. But when I got no response, I looked over to see it was on. But he wasn’t there.

I put the bottle on the counter, thinking he might’ve been in the bathroom, but feeling myself begin to worry. I went quietly up the stairs, wary in case something had happened. I approached the door to the bathroom and was about to knock when I heard something. I felt my heart ache and not quite believing my ears, slowly walked to door to our old bedroom, seeing the door was slightly ajar. I heard a distinct moan and not being able to take it, I pushed open the door to see Jean tangled in bed with another man. I gasped and despite the sudden sickness I felt, I couldn’t look away. “Armin,” Jean said, pushing the freckled man off of him. I wasn’t sure if I was expecting him to be apologetic, but he seemed more angry and shocked than anything. “Get out of here.” he said, but I stood stock still, feeling tears beginning to form as I trembled. “GET THE HELL OUT!” he yelled and the control over my body returned as I turned and ran down the hallway and out the door. I sprinted past my car, my tears blurring the world around me. I was running blind.

I continued down the street, letting a sob escape me as my lungs constricted painfully. I knew I was in the forest when twigs and bushes slashed at me as I pushed through them, not caring if they broke the skin. My feet carried me until I stood on the edge of the lake where Eren and I had been so long ago. I stared at the cool waters, feeling somehow angry at their calmness. How could they be so peaceful and perfect when it felt like my entire world was falling apart? I fell to my knees, clutching my chest, sobbing uncontrollably as hot tears streamed down my face. All this time I thought he loved me. I thought that no matter how much I upset him, no matter how many shots he took at me, he would always come back. He would always be there for me. Apology. ‘I love you’. Kiss to my forehead. 

But not this time. There was nothing he could to to fix it this time.

Suddenly, everything made sense. The distance that had grown between us, the free days and specific curfews — all of it made perfect sense. He was telling me to go out so he could call his lover and they could sleep together while I was gone. The shirt I hadn’t seen him wear was borrowed from him, the nights out were spent with him, everything was about _**him**_.

Jean didn’t love me. No matter how many times he told me he did. It was all a lie. Everything I thought had been real up to then had been a lie. I might’ve laughed at the irony.

I let out a broken scream, feeling myself fall apart on the bank of the lake. I felt worthless, betrayed, but most of all I felt _**stupid**_. How could I not have _**known**_? I had questioned it, I hadn’t understood, but I just let it go, thinking he was being kind to me. But no. No, that wasn’t it. He was getting rid of me. And even after everything that had happened, I still wasn’t quite ready to leave.


	11. Constellations

When Eren first laid eyes on me, I knew he had a million questions. Why was I here? Why did I look like my heart had been shattered into pieces? But much to my relief, he didn’t ask any of them right away. He just pulled me into his arms and let me melt there. I grasped the soft fabric of his t-shirt, burying my face in his chest and trying not to break down again. I breathed in his scent, trying to steady my heartbeat by listening to his. He pressed a soft kiss to my forehead and held me close, firm but gentle. I swallowed and pulled away enough that my voice wouldn’t be muffled. “Eren, can I sleep here tonight?” I asked, trying to stay calm. “Of course. Why don’t you take a seat on the couch and I’ll grab some sheets for you, okay?”

I nodded and pulled out of his grasp. He gave my shoulders a light squeeze before making his way down the hall. I sat down at the corner of the couch, folding in on myself, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. Eren returned with sheets and a pillow and placed them down. “Is Mikasa here?” I asked, trying to make conversation and stall for as long as possible. “No. She’s still out, she said she wouldn’t be back until late.” Eren replied, sitting beside me. I nodded, though I wasn’t really hearing him. A silence fell over us and I bit my lip, taking deep breaths to try and keep calm. I felt his fingers take mine gently. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

I thought it over a minute before shaking my head. “Not yet.”

He nodded and pulled me over to him, taking me in his arms again. He laid back on the cushions, taking me with him and settling us into a comfortable position. I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in the crook of his neck as he ran a hand along my back. His other hand played softly with my hair and it was doing a good job of calming me down. Our legs intertwined comfortably and I let out a shaky breath. He nuzzled the top of my head and in that moment I felt like I was worth something again. That even though Jean didn’t love me, I would be okay. Because Eren did. And that was all I needed.

We lay there for perhaps half an hour before I thought I was calm enough to speak. “Eren, I . . . something happened.” I began and he didn’t say anything. He just listened. “I . . . I went to get some aspirin from the store. And then I w-went home. And Jean t-told me not to come home until six, but . . . I figured it would be fine if I just dropped it off. But then . . . I-I went upstairs and . . .”

I sobbed and Eren pulled me closer, kissing my forehead and whispering, “It’s okay, Min. It’s okay.”

I bit my lip and tried to swallow the lump in my throat to no avail. I sighed. “And . . . he w-was in bed with another man . . .”

I felt the tears begin to form again and felt Eren’s grip on me tighten. I gripped the front of his shirt, closing my eyes tightly and trying to control my breathing. He rubbed my back comfortingly. “Don’t hold it in. Let go.”

I lost it. I sobbed and gasped uncontrollably, unable to calm the frantic spasms of my lungs. Gasp for air, sob, gasp for air, sob. It was a continuous cycle that I couldn’t force back into a steady rhythm. Tears spilled from my eyes and soaked the front of Eren’s shirt and a part of me was humiliated that he was seeing me like this. But at the same time, I felt better having an outlet for everything and I realized it had always been this way. Eren was where I went when I was upset. If I was frustrated or just feeling down, I would go to him and he’d always be there. He’d hold me, he’d listen to me, and he’d let me let my feelings out. He always made me feel better about things, no matter how bad they got. And this time was no exception.

I cried until there were no tears left and I was gasping uncontrollably at various intervals even though my breathing had steadied. I had fallen apart and now Eren was helping me get together again. He whispered soothing words to me and drew patterns on my back absentmindedly. But then he spoke up, his voice gentle and wary. “He told you not to come back until six?” he asked as if he was afraid I would go into another break down. I nodded. “H-He had been g-giving me curfews.” 

I laughed pitifully. “Now I k-know why.”

Eren pulled away enough to look me in the eyes. He took my face in his hands and gave me a soft smile. “This is gonna sound cliché, but he doesn’t deserve you. You are _way_ out of his league.”

I chuckled and he grinned. “But seriously. Armin, look at me.”

I did, seeing a familiar shimmer in emerald eyes. “You are the most incredible person in the entire world. And if that asshole thinks he can mess with you, he’s got another thing coming. I will personally go over there and help you kick his ass. He doesn’t have the right to treat you like this. Like you’re an item he can throw away when he wants to. You are _so_ much more than that, you hear me?”

I smiled softly before furrowing my brow. “You’re just saying that because you hate his guts.”

“Oh I most definitely hate his guts,” Eren said, causing me to laugh before he shifted to look at me. “Armin, I can’t even begin to tell you how incredibly special you are.”

I gave him a look. “You _are_. I know that’s overused and underrated, and I wish I was as good with words as you are. I wish you believed everything I’m telling you, but I don’t know how to make that happen. But whether you believe me or not, just listen to me,”

He tucked a piece of blond hair behind my ear and gave me a serious look. “Remember all those constellations you showed me when we kids? And you told me those stories about greeks gods and war heroes?”

I nodded. “And then one night you told me you wished you could bring stars down from the sky so you could see one. You wanted to see Antares because it was the brightest in your zodiac and it was always there when we went camping.”

I blushed slightly in embarrassment at the memory. He smiled and let out a breathy laugh. “I never told you this, but for the next three months or so, I was determined to get you that star. I stayed up late at night, researching, making blueprints for machines, mapping the constellations so I could plan the perfect time to pull it from the sky.”

I stared at him in shock, observing the sudden glimmer in his eyes and feeling something flutter in my chest. “And then everything was ready and I went out and climbed the tallest tree I could find, ready to test out my invention and get Antares to give to you. Of course, it failed and I ended up falling. That’s how I broke my arm.”

He had told me he broke it during a game of soccer. I felt my heart warm. “The point is I spent all that time and put all that work into it because it was for you. And whether or not you believe me when I say you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me and deserve the world, just know that no matter what happens, I will be here to move heaven and earth for you if you need it.”

I felt my eyes water and smiled genuinely before tackling him in a hug. He returned the gesture and ran a hand through my hair. “Thank you,” I whispered, squeezing him tighter. He returned the pressure.

 

It took me awhile to calm down completely, but once I did, Eren offered me some of his clothes to wear to bed. He tossed me an old t-shirt and some basketball shorts and after thanking him, I hurried to the bathroom to change. His clothes were a bit baggy on me and despite the uncomfortable twist of my stomach from the events at the house, I smiled to myself. I turned on the faucet and splashed cool water on my face, rubbing over my eyes and wiping away the dried tears. I shut it off and looked up at myself in the mirror. My eyes were swollen and red, but I felt more or less refreshed. Everything seemed much better after talking to Eren. As always.

When I dried off, I walked back into the living room to see Eren standing there, staring at the sheets thrown haphazardly over the couch. “What is it?” I asked and he turned to me, pointing at the makeshift bed. “I’m not sure you should sleep there.” he said and I smiled. “Eren, I told you, it’s fine.”

“But I feel awful. I don’t want you to sleep on this crappy couch after what happened.”

“Technically, I showed up here uninvited, so I should get the couch.”

“Technically, I’m the one who lives here and I say you shouldn’t get the couch.”

I chuckled despite myself. “Seriously, Min. I’ll sleep here, you can sleep in my room.”

“Eren, no, I can’t do that.”

“You want me to go with you?”

I didn’t respond and he smiled. “Come on, I’ll cuddle with you.”

I giggled and followed him up the stairs and to his room. I sank into the mattress and let out a sigh as he turned off the lights and climbed under the covers next to me. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me against him, fitting us together like a jigsaw puzzle. After laying there a moment, I spoke up, my voice strange in the silence. “You offered to take the couch just so you could cuddle, didn’t you?” I asked with a smirk that was hidden in the dark. He hesitated and I felt his lips curve into a smile against the back of my neck. “Maybe.”

I chuckled, readjusting and scooting closer to him. “You know, you could’ve asked.”

He hummed distantly. I yawned and my eyelids felt suddenly heavy. I shut my eyes and drifted off into a peaceful sleep to the sound of my own steady heartbeat.


	12. Street Fights

When the sunlight shone softly through the window and made Eren’s chocolate hair glow almost auburn in the light, I awoke and smiled to myself. He was still asleep, his lips parted ever so slightly, snoring softly. He seemed so at peace, looking almost angelic, and I took a moment to study his features. He was so close, I could count the freckles dotted across his face, the individual lashes that brushed the skin of his cheeks. I wondered what he was dreaming about and whether or not I was a part of it. I tucked a lone strand of hair behind his ear and he stirred, his eyes blinking open and he gave me a gentle smile. “Morning, Min.” he greeted, stretching his arms with a yawn. “Morning,”

I sat up and ran a hand through my hair, suddenly remembering what had happened the night before and letting out a heavy sigh. “I’m gonna have to talk to Jean today.” I said to no one in particular. “You don’t have to rush things if you’re not ready to talk to him. But you can always hang here, okay?”

I nodded and he stood, leaving me in his room wrapped in his covers. I heard the coffee machine turn on and stretched before standing up and heading to the kitchen. I crossed my arms and leaned against the threshold, watching as Eren reached up to grab a box of cereal. I really was grateful for everything he had done for me. Through everything he had always been there for me and the thought of all the things he had sacrificed for me made my heart ache with both guilt and something like endearment. My feet brought me across the room and my arms slung themselves around his waist, burying my nose in the back of his t-shirt. He chuckled. “What’s this?”

“Just . . . thank you. For everything.”

He placed a hand over my own, returning the embrace as best he could given the positioning. “Anytime.”

He poured a bowl of cereal for himself and I and we ate our breakfast at the dining table in silence. The whole time, I tried to psych myself up for what I would have to do when I went back home. But it was difficult. I really didn’t want to talk to Jean, let alone look him in the face after what had happened. But I had to. Because I couldn’t deal with it anymore.

When we had finished our breakfast, I gave Eren a hug goodbye, wishing I could just stay there in his arms for the rest of time. But I had to pull away and start my journey down the street. I glanced up at the sky to see the clouds rolling in with the promise of a spring shower. But I would get there before it started at least. With each step came a new pang of anxiety and it weighed heavily on me as I approached the front door. I stopped before going in, taking a deep breath and letting it out steadily. Yes, what Jean did had hurt me, but it was just another thing on the list. Beatings, yelling, rules I had to obey — all of it had been taking a toll on me and I had been too blind by his apologies and false promises to notice. But I’d show him. Just like Eren said. I’d show him and if he got upset for it, I would take every blow with a smile.

I pushed open the door to see Jean sunken into his favorite chair, watching the television again. Once he saw me, he immediately switched it off and rose to his feet, taking a few steps towards me, but I didn’t waver. “Where were you?”

“Does it matter?” I replied and I saw a spark of fire burn in hazel eyes. “You shouldn’t have come home.”

“Oh sorry, I wasn’t aware I needed permission to enter my own home.”

A hand slapped across my face, but I ignored the sting. “I told you a specific time to be back, no sooner, no later, and you disobeyed me.”

I chuckled and took a step forward, forgetting who I was for a moment and who was standing right in front of me. It was as if all the strings Jean used to control me had been severed and I could move on my own. “You know, I’m pretty sure that I don’t have to do a damn thing you say.”

“When did you get so disrespectful?” he asked coldly. “When did you learn it was okay to treat a human being like that?”

He shoved me against the wall and I winced at the pain that radiated from the back of my skull. “I was sleeping with someone else. That’s why you’re so upset, isn’t it? You’re upset that I got tired of you and found someone else. You think he’s replaced you.”

I glared into hazel eyes, feeling more in control of my life than I had felt in awhile. “You don’t know what I think.”

I squirmed and tried to escape, but thankfully Jean let go of me, his eyes shooting daggers at me. “But I’ll fill you in, if that’s what you want.”

He didn’t reply and I took a step forward. “Quite frankly, I don’t give a shit about that guy or what he is to you. In fact, I feel sorry for him. He has to suffer through things the same way I did. Hopefully it won’t take catching you in bed with someone else for him to realize what an asshole you are.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying.” he told me. “This is all just Jaeger’s ideas that he put in your head. He’s no good for you, Armin! He’s no good for anybody!”

I shook my head, feeling myself tremble with rage. I bit my lip and turned to leave, just wanting to say it was over and leave Jean forever. “You still love me,” he said almost cockily and I stopped and turned on my heel. “No. I don’t.”

He smirked and I desperately wanted to slap it off his face, but I held back. “Admit it, you’re in love with me and you don’t know what to do because I’m sick of you.”

“I’m in love with Eren!” I yelled in his face and saying the words aloud seemed to add validation to how true they were. Something in his face shifted, but he kept his calm demeanor. “You can’t survive out there. You’re a motherfucking failure — you wouldn’t last a day without me. You need me.”

I shook my head and if looks could kill, he would be dead ten times over. “I don’t need you.” I replied, my voice shaking with anger. His composure shattered.

He grabbed for me, throwing me into the wall, his fist colliding with my face. Punch after punch was thrown, but I stayed strong, trying to fight him off as best I could. He kneed me in the stomach and I doubled over, gasping for air. He was about to go for another strike when I suddenly remembered some moves from a video game Eren and I used to play. I turned around before Jean could get to me, delivering a quick blow to his throat which left him stunned and struggling to breath. He wheezed and I took the momentary distraction to send my palm flying into his nose, feeling the bone crack beneath the skin. He fell to the ground, clutching his face and I hurried to the door, making sure to grab both sets of keys and lock the front on the way out.

It was raining when I started down the street. My legs carried me, and I wasn’t sure where I was going or why I was running, but the adrenaline was still strong. My heart pounded in my chest and I thought back to what Mikasa said about following my heart. And I had to admit she was right. If I had listened to my head, I probably would’ve stayed with Jean, never realizing how absolutely in love I was with the most incredible boy in the world. But thanks to her, I was here, my face covered with cuts and beginnings of bruises, knocking on Eren’s front door. I panted, my hair soaking wet, and he answered the door. Emerald eyes widened at the sight of me. “Armin,” he said like he was surprised. “You talked to Jean.”

“I did. Needless to say, he wasn’t too happy about it.”

He smiled and I found myself stepping closer. “Did you kick his ass?”

“Hell yeah I did,” I said before taking his face in my hands and crashing our lips together. He immediately kissed me back, his fingers coming up to tangle in my hair. Our lips moved together certainly, like we had done this a thousand times before. And it was like everything fell into place. We broke away only to come back together again, desperately, hungrily, like we had been waiting for years for a moment just like this. And that was probably true.

But then my lungs were burning from lack of oxygen and I forced myself to pull away, staring into emerald eyes and licking my lips subconsciously. “Well that was . . . a surprise.” he smiled, seeming a little breathless. I giggled, still trying to catch my breath. “Eren, I’m sorry for being so stupid. I’m sorry for not getting rid of Jean and riding off with you into the sunset when I should’ve.”

He shook his head with a smile. “Don’t be sorry.”

I bit my lip and chuckled. “You know those moves you were talking about using if you ever got into a street fight?”

A grin graced his features. “Yeah,”

“Well, I’ve gotten into something like a street fight myself and uh — they work.”

We laughed before he kissed me again and I absolutely melted, gripping his shoulders and pulling him as close as humanly possible. “I’ll have to tell Mikasa I told you so.” he mumbled between kisses and I laughed, pulling away. “Do you always tell Mikasa every aspect of your life?”

He pouted and I giggled, breaking his composure and causing him to smile. “Only the great ones.” he replied, pecking my lips once more. I wrapped my arms around his neck as we swayed gently in the threshold. “Am I a great one?”

“The greatest.”


	13. Epilogue

When I saw the news of Jean being investigated for abuse and assault on the television, I felt some sort of relief. Now that it was over, I almost couldn’t believe a guy like that had had me in the palm of his hand. I shivered just thinking about it. “What’cha watchin’?” Eren asked, sinking next to me with a bowl of popcorn. We were at his house, Mikasa in the other room doing ‘homework’ though Eren still insisted it had something to do with Annie. “The news. Apparently Jean’s got quite a few people upset.”

“Seriously?” he asked, wrapping an arm around me and turning to the screen. “Yeah. Tons of exes and friends are coming in to report an incident.”

There was a moment of silence before he spoke up again. “You really saved the day, Min.” he said, looking at me through his lashes. I kissed his smile. “Actually, I’m pretty sure that was you.”

I handed him the remote and settled back in his arms as he went to Netflix. “You up for Titanic?” he asked and I giggled. “Any day.”

“Remember, you told me you’d give it another shot and this time, you’re gonna realize how amazing it actually is.”

I smiled as the movie started, feeling more happy than I had been in a long time. “Sure, Eren.” I replied with a laugh, wondering how on earth I had gotten so lucky.


End file.
